This is one of the hardest sentences a parent can say out loud.
And yet, thousands of parents quietly feel it every day.
Being sworn at.
Objects thrown.
Being hit, kicked, scratched, or intimidated.
Walking on eggshells in your own home.
Hiding bruises.
Being afraid of triggering the next explosion.
If this is you, let’s say this clearly first:
You are not weak.
You are not a bad parent.
And you are not alone.
Why This Can Happen — Especially in PDA, Autism & AuDHD
For many families, this pattern shows up in children with:
- PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance profile)
- Autism
- ADHD or AuDHD
- Trauma histories
- Extreme anxiety / nervous system dysregulation
What looks like intentional aggression is very often something else entirely.
**This behaviour is usually not about control.
It’s about survival.**
These children live in a constant state of nervous system threat.
Every request, expectation, transition, or perceived loss of control can feel — in their body — like danger.
Even loving, neutral interactions such as:
- “How was your day?”
- “Can you get dressed?”
- “Time to turn the iPad off”
…can trigger a fight / flight / freeze response.
When the nervous system is overloaded, the child may:
- lash out physically
- say cruel or shocking things
- destroy objects
- try to dominate or “equalise” the situation
Not because they want to hurt you —
but because their body is screaming “I’m not safe.”
Why It Often Happens at Home (and Not School)
This is one of the most confusing parts for parents.
At school, your child may be:
- compliant
- polite
- quiet
- well-behaved
At home, they explode.
This isn’t manipulation.
It’s masking and containment.
Your child uses every ounce of energy to hold it together in unsafe or demanding environments.
When they get home — to the place of unconditional love — the nervous system finally collapses.
Home becomes the place where the pressure comes out.
That doesn’t make it acceptable.
But it does make it understandable.
When It Starts to Feel Like Abuse
Parents often say:
- “I feel scared of my own child.”
- “I dread being alone with them.”
- “I’m constantly criticised, sworn at, or hurt.”
- “I don’t recognise my life anymore.”
Feeling this does not mean you blame your child.
It means you are overwhelmed and unsafe.
And both things can be true at once:
- Your child is struggling
- You are being harmed
Your safety matters too.
What Doesn’t Help (Even Though You’re Often Told To Do It)
Many parents are advised to:
- remove phones, consoles, screens
- impose consequences
- “stay firm”
- escalate punishments
- call behaviour “unacceptable”
For nervous-system-driven children, this often makes things worse.
Why?
Because punishment:
- increases loss of control
- increases perceived threat
- pushes the child further into survival mode
This can escalate violence, not reduce it.
What Does Help (Even If It Feels Counter-Intuitive)
This is not about “giving in”.
It’s about bringing the nervous system back to safety.
Some starting points:
🔹 Reduce demands during escalation
Safety comes before rules.
🔹 Regulate yourself first
A calm adult nervous system is the most powerful de-escalation tool.
🔹 Create distance during violent episodes
It is okay to leave the room.
It is okay to protect yourself.
🔹 Focus on repair, not discipline
Connection after the storm matters more than consequences.
🔹 Seek specialist, neuro-affirming support
Not all professionals understand PDA or nervous-system-led behaviour.
You Are Allowed to Ask for Help
If violence is present, this is not something you have to manage alone.
Support may include:
- GP referrals
- CAMHS (even if waiting lists are long)
- EHCP assessments
- Section 19 alternative provision
- Specialist parenting support (e.g. NVR, PDA-informed approaches)
If systems are failing you, that is not your fault.
A Final Word — Especially for Parents Who Feel Ashamed
You can love your child deeply
and feel frightened.
You can understand the nervous system
and need protection.
You can advocate for your child
and need support yourself.
Nothing about this makes you a bad parent.
It makes you a parent in an impossible situation — doing your best in a system that doesn’t understand your child.
If you need templates, next steps, or practical guidance, AskEllie exists to support you.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
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