If you’re parenting a child with PDA, you’ve probably experienced moments where a completely ordinary request suddenly becomes anything but ordinary.
“Put your shoes on.”
“Come downstairs for dinner.”
“Time to turn the game off.”
“Go and brush your teeth.”
For many children, these are everyday instructions. But for a child with a PDA profile (Pathological Demand Avoidance), the way a request is communicated can make an enormous difference.
Sometimes it isn’t necessarily what you’re asking.
It’s how the demand feels to the child receiving it.
As parents, we’ve learned that communication with a PDA child often requires us to rethink many of the traditional parenting approaches we were taught.
Here are five things that can help.
1. Sometimes, Fewer Words Are Better
When a child is already overwhelmed, parents naturally want to explain.
We explain why something needs to happen.
We reassure.
We negotiate.
We repeat ourselves.
But all of those extra words can unintentionally create even more pressure.
A child who’s already dysregulated may simply not have the capacity to process everything you’re saying.
Sometimes the most effective approach is:
Short. Calm. Clear.
Then stop talking.
Give them time to process what you’ve said.
Silence can feel uncomfortable as a parent because we’re desperate to resolve the situation.
But filling that silence with more instructions, questions and explanations can sometimes make things harder.
2. Build in Buffer Time Between Activities
Transitions can be particularly difficult for some PDA children.
Moving from:
Gaming → dinner
Home → school
TV → bedtime
Bedroom → leaving the house
can involve suddenly stopping something predictable and moving towards something less predictable.
Instead of:
“Turn that off. We’re leaving now.”
Try creating some warning around the transition.
For example:
“We’re probably going to start getting ready in about ten minutes.”
Then allow some processing time.
Some families find visual timers, routines or gentle reminders helpful.
Others find these increase pressure.
That’s an important point about PDA:
There isn’t one strategy that works for every child.
The aim is to understand what reduces pressure for your child.
3. Choices Can Help — But Too Many Choices Can Backfire
One of the most common pieces of advice given to PDA parents is:
“Give them choices.”
And there is good reasoning behind this.
Having some autonomy can reduce the feeling that something is being imposed upon them.
Instead of:
“Go and brush your teeth.”
you might try:
“Would you rather brush your teeth before or after you get changed?”
But there’s another side to this.
Too many choices can become overwhelming.
If a child is already anxious or dysregulated, asking them to choose between five different options can create another decision they now have to manage.
Sometimes two simple choices are enough.
And importantly, low-demand parenting doesn’t mean handing all responsibility to the child.
Children still need adults who feel safe, predictable and capable of guiding them.
Think calm leadership rather than control.
4. Change the Language, Not Necessarily the Goal
Sometimes you can keep exactly the same goal while completely changing the way you approach it.
Instead of:
“You need to put your shoes on.”
You might try:
“I wonder where those shoes have disappeared to?”
Instead of:
“Get ready. We’re leaving.”
Try:
“I’m going to start getting ready.”
Instead of:
“You have to tidy this up.”
You could try:
“I reckon we could get this cleared ridiculously quickly together.”
Humour can also be incredibly powerful.
Turning something into a joke, challenge, game or shared activity can sometimes remove the feeling of confrontation.
The destination hasn’t necessarily changed.
You’ve simply taken a different road to get there.
5. Don’t Match Their Energy
This may be one of the hardest things to do.
Your child’s anxiety rises.
They start arguing.
You become stressed.
You explain more.
They become louder.
You become firmer.
Suddenly everyone is escalating.
As parents, we’re human. Our nervous systems respond too.
But when possible, try to move in the opposite direction.
If they become louder…
Become quieter.
If they become faster…
Become slower.
If they become overwhelmed…
Use fewer words.
You’re trying to communicate something very important without necessarily saying it:
“I’m calm. I’m still here. This situation is manageable.”
That sense of safety can sometimes be far more powerful than another instruction.
PDA Parenting Doesn’t Mean Having No Boundaries
This is an important distinction.
A low-demand or PDA-informed approach isn’t simply:
“Let the child do whatever they want.”
Children still need boundaries.
They still need adults to keep them safe.
They still need guidance.
The difference is recognising that traditional approaches based heavily on compliance, consequences, rewards or increasing pressure may not always produce the intended result for a child with a PDA profile.
If increased pressure increases anxiety, which then increases avoidance, adding more pressure can create a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult for everyone.
The question becomes:
How can we achieve what needs to happen while creating the least unnecessary pressure possible?
What About the Real World?
This is something parents understandably worry about.
You might think:
“That’s fine at home, but the rest of the world isn’t going to communicate like this.”
That’s true.
Teachers, employers, strangers and other adults won’t necessarily understand PDA.
But supporting a child appropriately now isn’t about protecting them from every demand forever.
It’s about helping them develop regulation, confidence, communication and self-understanding so they are better equipped to navigate those demands as they grow.
We shouldn’t deliberately make childhood harder simply because adulthood may sometimes be difficult.
One Trusted Adult Can Make an Enormous Difference
One thing we hear repeatedly from SEND families is the importance of relationships.
A teacher who understands.
A teaching assistant who notices the warning signs.
A family member who doesn’t immediately escalate.
A professional who listens.
For a child who frequently feels misunderstood or controlled, having even one adult who genuinely understands themcan make an enormous difference.
Sometimes the relationship comes before the strategy.
And Parents Won’t Get It Right Every Time
Neither do we.
There will be mornings when you’re late.
Days when you’re exhausted.
Moments when you’ve asked nicely seventeen times and eventually find yourself shouting:
“JUST PUT YOUR SHOES ON!”
That doesn’t erase everything you’re trying to do.
PDA-informed parenting isn’t about becoming a perfectly calm parent who never gets frustrated.
It’s about gradually understanding your child better.
Sometimes you’ll recognise the trigger beforehand.
Sometimes you’ll realise afterwards.
Both are learning.
The Biggest Shift: Understanding the “Why”
Perhaps the biggest change comes when we stop asking:
“How do I make my child comply?”
and start asking:
“What is making this difficult for them right now?”
Is it anxiety?
A transition?
Sensory overload?
Loss of autonomy?
Exhaustion?
Uncertainty?
Too many instructions?
Understanding the reason doesn’t mean every behaviour suddenly becomes acceptable.
It simply gives us a better chance of responding effectively.
Because when we understand the why behind behaviour, we can start changing what happens next.
A Final Note About PDA
PDA is commonly described as a profile associated with autism, but terminology, recognition and clinical practice around PDA remain debated and can vary between professionals and services.
Not every autistic child who avoids demands has a PDA profile, and strategies that work brilliantly for one child may be completely ineffective for another.
The goal isn’t to find a perfect parenting formula.
It’s to understand the individual child standing in front of us.
And sometimes the smallest change in language can make the biggest difference.
What communication strategy has made the biggest difference for your child?