It’s one of the most confusing and frustrating things parents hear:
👉 “They’re fine at school.”
👉 “We’re not seeing any issues.”
And yet, at home, it’s a completely different picture.
What Parents See at Home
After school, many children:
- Have intense meltdowns
- Shut down completely
- Seem exhausted or overwhelmed
- Struggle with even small everyday tasks
And parents are left thinking:
👉 “How can they be fine at school if things are this hard at home?”
This Isn’t a Contradiction
It’s something many SEND families experience.
👉 And it often comes down to one thing: masking
What Is Masking?
Masking is when a child:
- Holds in their emotions
- Suppresses their needs
- Tries to meet expectations
- Works hard to appear “okay”
At school, this can look like:
👉 Following instructions
👉 Sitting quietly
👉 Coping socially
But what’s not visible is:
👉 The effort it takes
👉 The anxiety underneath
👉 The stress building throughout the day
Why It All Comes Out at Home
Home is different.
It’s where your child:
👉 Feels safe
👉 Doesn’t have to perform
👉 Can finally release everything they’ve been holding in
So those meltdowns or shutdowns?
👉 They’re not “bad behaviour”
👉 They’re not caused by home
They’re often:
👉 A sign of how much your child has been coping all day
Why This Causes Problems With School
When school says:
👉 “We don’t see that here”
It can lead to:
- Parents feeling dismissed
- Support being delayed
- Needs being underestimated
Because the full picture isn’t being seen.
The Reality
Your child might be:
👉 Coping in school
👉 But struggling overall
And both things can be true at the same time.
What You See at Home Matters
The behaviours you’re seeing at home are important.
They show:
- The real impact of the day
- The level of emotional strain
- The support your child actually needs
You’re Not Imagining It
One of the hardest parts for parents is being made to feel like:
👉 They’re overreacting
👉 They’re the problem
👉 They’re seeing something that isn’t there
But if this is your experience:
👉 You are not imagining it
What Can Help
If school isn’t seeing what you’re seeing, the key is:
👉 Explaining it clearly
👉 Giving real examples
👉 Showing patterns over time
This helps bridge the gap between:
👉 What school sees
👉 And what actually happens
How AskEllie Can Help
This is something we help parents with every day.
We support you to:
- Put your child’s needs into clear, structured language
- Explain masking and its impact
- Help schools understand the full picture
- Move things forward when you feel stuck
👉 You can find support through our Stan Store
👉 Or come by and see us at AskEllie.co.uk
Final Thought
If your child is “fine” at school…
👉 But struggling at home
That doesn’t mean nothing is wrong.
It often means:
👉 They’ve been coping all day
👉 And home is the only place they can stop
You’re Not Alone
If this feels like your situation:
👉 You’re not the only one going through it
👉 And there are ways to help others understand
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