If you are a parent of a SEND child and you’ve ever left a meeting feeling blamed, judged, or quietly scrutinised — this post is for you.
Many parents tell us the same story:
“The school says the behaviour only happens at home.”
“They’ve hinted it’s our routines.”
“They’ve asked us to be firmer.”
“They say other parents don’t have this issue.”
Over time, this chips away at confidence. Parents begin to question themselves — even when they know, deep down, something isn’t right.
Let’s be very clear from the start:
When a school cannot meet a child’s needs, blame often shifts to the parent.
Not because it’s true — but because it’s easier.
Why This Happens
Schools are under enormous pressure.
Limited funding, stretched staff, rigid systems, and accountability measures that don’t allow flexibility.
When a child struggles and the environment isn’t adapted properly, something has to “explain” the behaviour.
Too often, that explanation becomes:
- parenting
- home routines
- boundaries
- emotional resilience
- “what’s happening at home”
But this ignores a crucial truth:
Many SEND children hold it together at school and unravel at home.
The Masking Effect: Why Schools Don’t See What You See
Children with autism, PDA, ADHD, trauma histories, or sensory processing differences often:
- mask all day in school
- suppress distress to stay safe
- comply until their nervous system can’t anymore
Home is where the mask drops — not because of poor parenting, but because home is the only place they feel safe enough to fall apart.
So when behaviour appears “worse” at home, it is not a failure.
It is a biological response to overload.
This is not defiance.
This is not manipulation.
This is regulation collapse.
When Concern Turns Into Blame
Blame often sounds subtle. It may come wrapped in “suggestions” or “concerns”.
Phrases parents hear include:
- “We don’t see this here”
- “Have you tried stricter boundaries?”
- “They respond well to clear consequences”
- “Perhaps it’s inconsistency at home”
- “They need to learn resilience”
What’s missing from these conversations is the right question:
What unmet need is driving this behaviour?
Because behaviour is communication — and when support is missing, behaviour escalates.
What You Can Do When This Happens
If you feel blame creeping in, pause and reframe the conversation.
1. Bring Everything Back to Need
Use language like:
- “What need is this behaviour communicating?”
- “How is the environment being adapted?”
- “What reasonable adjustments are in place?”
2. Ask for Things in Writing
If concerns are raised, ask:
- “Can you put that in writing?”
- “Can this be reflected in the EHCP review notes?”
Written records shift accountability back where it belongs.
3. Document Patterns
Keep notes on:
- school vs home behaviour
- transitions
- exhaustion after school
- sensory overload
- anxiety build-up
Patterns matter more than isolated incidents.
4. Remember: You Are Not on Trial
You are not there to defend your parenting.
You are there to advocate for your child’s needs.
If a school focuses more on “fixing” parents than adapting provision, that is a red flag.
The Bigger Picture
When systems fail children, families carry the weight.
Parents absorb blame.
Children internalise distress.
Relationships fracture under pressure.
This is not because families aren’t trying hard enough.
It’s because the system often avoids accountability.
And that’s exactly why we created Ask Ellie — to help parents:
- understand their rights
- recognise red flags early
- challenge narratives that cause harm
- and advocate from a place of clarity, not guilt
If This Resonates
If you’ve ever been made to feel like you are the problem — you’re not.
You’re responding to a system that wasn’t built for your child.
And you are not alone.
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