There’s a sentence many SEND parents hear far too often:
👉 “They need to be in school.”
On the surface, it sounds reasonable.
Of course education matters.
Of course attendance matters.
But what happens when a child is not coping?
When “Getting Them In” Becomes the Goal
For many families, the conversation shifts quickly.
Instead of asking:
👉 “Why is this child struggling?”
The focus becomes:
👉 “How do we get them into school?”
Parents are told:
- Be firmer
- Keep bringing them in
- This is an attendance issue
But behind closed doors, the reality looks very different.
What Parents Are Actually Dealing With
Children who:
- Wake up anxious or distressed
- Experience meltdowns before school
- Shut down completely
- Are unable to regulate in the school environment
This isn’t reluctance.
👉 This is distress
The Impact of Getting It Wrong
When attendance is prioritised above everything else, something important is missed:
👉 A child’s ability to cope
And when that’s ignored:
- Mental health deteriorates
- Trust breaks down
- School becomes a source of fear, not safety
In some cases, children are pushed beyond what they can handle.
And the consequences of that can be long-lasting.
This Isn’t About Avoiding School
This is not about children “not wanting to go.”
It’s about children who:
👉 cannot access education in their current state or environment
That’s a completely different conversation.
What the Law Actually Says
Under Section 19 of the Education Act 1996:
👉 Local authorities must provide suitable education
if a child cannot attend school due to illness or other reasons
That includes:
- Anxiety
- Mental health needs
- Unmet SEND needs
👉 Waiting for a child to “just return” is not a solution
Why Parents Feel Blamed
One of the hardest parts for families is this:
👉 The pressure often shifts onto them
Instead of support, they’re met with:
- Threats of fines
- Attendance warnings
- Assumptions about parenting
And over time, that leads to:
👉 guilt
👉 self-doubt
👉 exhaustion
A Different Question We Should Be Asking
Instead of:
👉 “Why isn’t this child attending?”
We should be asking:
👉 “Why can’t this child access education — and what needs to change?”
A Final Thought
Attendance matters.
But it should never come at the cost of:
👉 a child’s mental health
👉 their sense of safety
👉 their ability to cope
Because education only works…
👉 when a child is able to access it
If you’re navigating this right now, you’re not alone.
👉 Come by and see us at AskEllie.co.uk
We help parents understand their rights and push for the support their child needs.
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