If your child constantly calls out, “Mum… bring me food,”
or “Can you get the remote?”
or “I’m hungry!” from another room — even though they’re perfectly capable of doing it themselves…
You are not alone, and it is not bad parenting.
This behaviour is extremely common in children and teens with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) — and it has nothing to do with laziness, entitlement, or “being spoiled.”
It is a nervous system response, and understanding it can completely change how you see your child and how you support them.
Why PDA Children Make These Demands
PDA is a profile of autism defined by an intense need for autonomy and a nervous system that becomes easily overwhelmed by everyday demands.
To a PDA child, even tiny tasks — like picking up the remote — can trigger the brain’s threat response.
Not because they are incapable.
Not because they don’t want to help.
But because their threshold for nervous system activation is extremely low.
✔️ When the nervous system activates, PDA children move into:
- Fight (explosive, shouting, refusal)
- Flight (avoidance, shutdown, hiding)
- Freeze (immobilised, unable to act)
Asking them to “just grab the remote” can genuinely feel overwhelming to their system.
Why Being at Home Triggers These Behaviours More
Home is where PDA children feel:
- safer
- more connected
- more unmasked
- more in control
At school or with grandparents, they may suppress the nervous system response to survive the day — which means they appear compliant or easy-going.
At home, the masking drops.
The nervous system takes over.
And all the pent-up stress shows up as demands, distress, or explosions.
This is not manipulation.
This is safety releasing tension.
So… Is It PDA or Just Laziness?
Here’s the difference:
Laziness / entitlement
- Child can do the task
- Child won’t do the task
- No meltdown occurs when encouraged
- No distress, panic, or shutdown
- Behaviours are consistent in all environments
PDA nervous system response
- Child becomes distressed or overwhelmed
- Task triggers fear, panic or shutdown
- Fight/flight/freeze behaviours appear
- Child may appear “frozen,” avoidant or explosive
- Behaviours happen only where they feel safest (home)
If your child melts down or becomes overwhelmed by small tasks, it’s not laziness — it’s dysregulation.
Why Accommodations Like “Bringing Them Food” Actually Help
Parents often feel guilty thinking they’re “giving in.”
In reality, these accommodations:
- reduce nervous system overload
- help the child stay regulated
- prevent escalation into meltdowns
- build trust and connection
- allow the child to feel safe
Lowering demands isn’t spoiling a PDA child.
It is supporting an overwhelmed nervous system.
Over time, once safety increases, capacity increases too.
What You Can Do to Help
1. Reduce direct demands
Instead of:
“Go get the remote.”
Try:
“Would you like to grab it now or in a minute?”
or
“When you feel ready, the remote’s next to you.”
2. Use indirect prompts
PDA children cope better when they feel a sense of choice.
3. Focus on co-regulation
Before expecting action, help their body calm:
- deep breaths together
- warmth
- sitting close
- quiet time
- sensory comfort
4. Build independence slowly
Choose one small task at a time.
Introduce it gently.
Celebrate effort, not completion.
5. Assume the behaviour is communication
Your child isn’t asking you to bring snacks because they see you as a servant.
They’re asking because they are overwhelmed, dysregulated, and using you as a safe base.
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