Understanding PDA, demand avoidance, and nervous system overwhelm in everyday care tasks
One of the most common questions parents ask — often with guilt in their voice — is this:
“If I keep putting my child’s shoes on… won’t they never learn to do it themselves?”
Or:
*“If I keep brushing their teeth for them…”
*“If I still dress them at age 10…”
“If I let them avoid things, am I holding them back?”
These are honest, loving questions. They come from wanting to support our children well — and from being constantly told that independence should always be the goal.
But for children with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profiles — or those with similar profiles of trauma, anxiety, sensory integration difficulties, or autistic burnout — the question isn’t about skill.
It’s about access.
Most of these children can do it.
They’ve shown us before:
They know how to put on socks.
They know how to zip a coat.
They can brush their teeth.
But in the moment — when their nervous system is overwhelmed — they just… can’t.
It’s not defiance.
It’s not laziness.
It’s not regression.
It’s a nervous system under threat, and it’s protecting them the only way it knows how: by shutting down anything that feels like a demand.
“Why can they do it sometimes and not others?”
Because their body’s internal alarm system — their fight, flight, freeze, fawn response — is always scanning for threat. That “threat” might be:
- Being rushed
- The sensory feel of clothes
- Feeling watched or corrected
- The effort of decision-making
- A reminder of a hard morning yesterday
Even a small task like brushing teeth can feel unbearable when their nervous system is already overloaded.
They haven’t lost the skill — it’s just inaccessible in that moment.
What helps?
When we reduce demands and co-regulate instead of push, we’re not stopping progress.
We’re creating the conditions for it.
You can think of it like this:
🧠 Your child’s nervous system is like a battery that’s constantly draining from sensory overload, social pressure, school trauma, and anxiety.
🤲 Every time you offer help — calmly brushing their hair, sitting beside them while they get dressed, or saying “I’ll do it for you today” — you’re giving that battery a tiny recharge.
Over time, those small moments of safety allow the nervous system to come back online. And when that happens, the skills often return — gently, at their own pace.
Independence doesn’t start with pressure.
It starts with co-regulation. With trust. With safety.
So if you’re brushing their teeth again today…
If you’re slipping their shoes on when they can’t bear to do it…
If you’re offering a banana on the sofa instead of insisting on breakfast at the table…
You’re not failing.
You’re parenting in response to your child’s nervous system, not their age.
And one day — maybe sooner than you expect — they’ll reach for the shoes themselves. Not because they were pushed, but because they could.
Final thoughts
There’s so much pressure on parents to “foster independence” — especially when you’re raising a child who doesn’t fit the typical mould.
But if your child is navigating PDA, trauma, anxiety, burnout, or sensory processing differences, their brain isn’t resisting because they’re unmotivated.
It’s resisting because it’s overwhelmed.
And the most supportive thing you can do is lower the demands until their nervous system can breathe again.
That’s not giving in. That’s meeting the need.
That’s parenting for progress.
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