One of the most common messages parents send us is this:
“School says my child is fine. But the moment they walk through the door, they explode. Meltdowns, screaming, aggression, shutdowns… why is it only happening at home?”
If this sounds like your family, you are not imagining it, and you are not doing anything wrong. This pattern is incredibly common in autistic children with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profile, especially those who mask heavily during the school day.
Let’s break down what’s really happening — and why home becomes the place where everything spills out.
Masking: The Hidden Effort No One Sees
At school, many PDA children appear:
- polite
- compliant
- quiet
- well-behaved
- “fine”
But this presentation is often a survival strategy, not a reflection of how calm they truly feel.
Masking means:
- copying neurotypical behaviour
- suppressing natural responses
- hiding distress
- forcing themselves to “fit in”
- pushing down sensory, emotional and anxiety-driven reactions
On the outside they look calm.
Inside, their nervous system is on hyper-alert.
This takes an enormous toll.
The Key Factor: Perceived Threat and Autonomy Loss
Children with PDA experience demands — even everyday ones — as threats to their autonomy and safety.
At school, this threat response cannot be expressed freely. So instead of the typical PDA fight/flight behaviour, the brain switches to freeze/fawn mode:
- people pleasing
- over-complying
- staying quiet
- internalising distress
It LOOKS like they’re coping.
But they’re holding everything in.
All day.
Why Home Gets the Explosion
Home is the only place where they feel:
- safe
- accepted
- unconditionally loved
- free from judgement
- free from consequences for dropping the mask
So the moment they walk into that safe environment, the nervous system releases everything it has been suppressing.
This release can look like:
- screaming or shouting
- physical outbursts
- aggression
- refusing any request
- crying or sobbing
- shutdown or withdrawal
- lashing out at the nearest safe person — usually the parent
This is not manipulation.
This is not attention-seeking.
This is decompression from a day spent holding in fear, stress and overwhelm.
You Are the Safe Person — Not the Problem
Many parents blame themselves:
“Why does my child only behave like this with me? What am I doing wrong?”
But the reality is:
Children fall apart where they feel safest.
You are not the problem.
You are the anchor that allows them to stop holding everything in.
Signs Your Child May Be Masking at School And Releasing at Home
Here are common indicators of a PDA-style masking pattern:
1. Extreme after-school meltdowns or shutdowns
Especially if school reports that behaviour was “perfect.”
2. Refusal to get up, get dressed or leave the house in the morning
The nervous system is warning: “I can’t do another day of masking.”
3. Controlled behaviour at school but big emotions at home
A classic mask-and-release cycle.
4. Intense need for control at home
Because autonomy has been stripped away all day.
5. High anxiety around small changes or demands
These children live in a near-constant state of threat detection.
What You Can Do To Support a Child With This Pattern
1. Reduce demands at home — not because they’re spoiled, but because their threshold is low
Lowering demands is an accommodation, not “giving in.”
2. Provide decompression time after school
No talking, no questioning, no homework.
Just calm, predictable space.
3. Use collaborative, choice-based approaches
PDA children respond far better to equality, humour, and shared control.
4. Communicate the school/home split to educators
This behaviour pattern is a red flag that the school environment is too demanding.
5. Consider whether a different setting or an EHCP is needed
Masking followed by explosive release often indicates unmet needs.
Final Thought: It’s Not “Fine at School, Bad at Home” — It’s Survival vs Safety
School behaviour is not the truth.
Home behaviour is not the “problem.”
Home is simply where the mask comes off.
If your child explodes after school, it means you are their safest person — the only place they can show how hard they’ve been fighting all day.
You’re not causing the behaviour.
You’re finally seeing the truth of what they’ve been carrying.
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