Many parents of children with special educational needs and disabilities (SEND) find themselves frustrated when professionals say, “We don’t see it in school.” This often happens because of masking — a coping strategy children use to hide their struggles in order to fit in, avoid judgement, or stay safe. Masking is particularly common in children with autism, ADHD, PDA, and anxiety.
What is Masking?
Masking is when a child suppresses their natural behaviours or hides their difficulties to appear like their peers. For example:
- Holding in meltdowns or sensory distress until they get home
- Forcing eye contact even when it feels uncomfortable
- Copying the speech, mannerisms, or social cues of others
- Staying quiet in class, even when struggling, to avoid standing out
While this might make things appear fine at school, the effort required can be exhausting. Many children ‘unmask’ at home, leading to meltdowns, shutdowns, or extreme exhaustion. Parents often see the impact far more than teachers do.
Why Schools and LAs Must Take Masking Seriously
Just because difficulties aren’t visible in the classroom doesn’t mean they aren’t real. In fact, masking itself is evidence of need. The SEND Code of Practice (2015) makes it clear that needs must be identified and supported, even if they present differently across environments.
Ignoring masking risks:
- Children not receiving the support they need
- Parents being dismissed or blamed
- Emotional harm to the child from constant suppression
How to Communicate About Masking With Schools
- Keep a Home Diary
Record what happens before and after school: meltdowns, exhaustion, refusals, or physical symptoms (like headaches or stomach aches). This gives evidence of the ‘after-effects’ of masking. - Share Patterns With Staff
Gently explain that your child may appear settled in school but shows distress at home. Linking specific behaviours (e.g., “He comes home exhausted on days with PE”) helps staff understand the triggers. - Use the Language of Law and Guidance
Remind the school that support must be based on needs, not just what staff observe. You can refer to the SEND Code of Practice to reinforce this. - Request Assessments
Ask for observations over time, sensory assessments, or input from an Educational Psychologist. Masking can be identified by looking at the bigger picture, not just surface behaviour.
Communicating With the Local Authority (LA)
If you are applying for an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP) or dealing with the LA:
- Highlight Masking in Your Request
Clearly state that your child masks in school and explain the consequences at home. Attach diary evidence where possible. - Counter ‘We Don’t See It’
Emphasise that the Equality Act 2010 protects disabled children from discrimination, including when their difficulties are hidden. - Insist on Holistic Evidence
The LA must gather evidence from both school and parents. Your experience at home is equally valid and legally relevant.
Key Takeaway
Masking doesn’t mean there’s no problem — it means your child is working incredibly hard to hide it. This is not sustainable and can cause long-term harm if dismissed. Schools and LAs must recognise masking as a genuine need and respond with understanding, support, and tailored strategies.
👉 For template letters, EHCP guidance, and further advice, visit AskEllie.co.uk.
I’ve drafted your blog post on masking, understanding it, and how to communicate with schools and LAs. It covers what masking is, why it matters, how to evidence it at home, and how to frame it legally when dealing with schools or the LA.
Would you like me to make it a bit more parent voice/story-driven (sharing a relatable example of what happens when a child masks) so it connects even more emotionally with readers?
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