One of the most common things parents hear is:
“They’re absolutely fine at school.”
Yet at home, it’s a very different story.
Meltdowns. Anger. Tears. Shutdowns. Explosions over seemingly small things.
This contrast often leaves parents feeling confused, judged, or blamed.
But there is a clear psychological explanation — and it’s not bad parenting.
Children Behave Differently Where They Feel Safest
Psychologists have long recognised a pattern where children appear regulated and compliant in public settings, yet struggle intensely at home.
This isn’t coincidence.
School requires children to:
- Sit still for long periods
- Follow constant instructions
- Manage noise, transitions, and social rules
- Suppress emotions to “cope”
For neurodivergent children — including those with autism, ADHD, PDA, or anxiety — this effort is exhausting.
By the time they get home, their nervous system is overloaded.
Home Is Not Where Children Perform — It’s Where They Unload
At home, something important happens.
Your child’s brain recognises safety.
The moment they see their parent or caregiver, their body shifts from survival mode into release. Stress hormones that were held in all day begin to spill out.
What looks like:
- Rudeness
- Aggression
- Defiance
- Emotional outbursts
Is often nervous system release, not poor behaviour.
In other words:
They fall apart where they know they won’t be abandoned.
Why Punishment Often Makes Things Worse
When children are already dysregulated, traditional discipline can backfire.
Constant correction teaches children to mask emotions rather than process them. Over time, this can lead to:
- Increased anxiety
- Burnout
- Emotional shutdown
- Behaviour escalating rather than improving
Research consistently shows that regulation develops through co-regulation, not punishment.
A calm adult nervous system helps a child’s nervous system settle.
“If Your Child Explodes With You, You Are Home Base”
Many therapists use this phrase for a reason.
Children don’t release big emotions with people they don’t trust. They do it with the people they believe will still love them afterwards.
That doesn’t mean boundaries aren’t important — they are.
But boundaries work best when paired with safety, understanding, and regulation.
What This Means for Parents
If your child behaves worse at home than anywhere else:
- You are not failing
- Your child is not manipulative
- You have not “caused” the behaviour
You are the place where their nervous system feels safe enough to stop holding it all in.
For SEND families especially, recognising this pattern can help shift conversations with schools, professionals, and even ourselves — away from blame and towards support.
If you’re navigating school anxiety, masking, or emotional burnout in your child, you’re not alone.
At AskEllie, we help families understand what’s really happening — and what support you’re entitled to when systems don’t see the full picture.
👉 Visit AskEllie.co.uk for clear guidance, rights-based support, and reassurance that you’re not imagining this.
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