If you’re reading this and thinking,
“I feel scared of my own child,”
“I’m hiding bruises,”
“I never thought parenting would feel like this,”
please know this first:
You are not alone.
You are not a bad parent.
And this is not because you’ve “done something wrong.”
Many parents of neurodivergent children — particularly those with autism, ADHD, PDA, trauma, or high anxiety — experience explosive or violent behaviour at home that others never see.
This blog is here to explain why this happens and what actually helps.
Why Some Children Are Explosive or Violent at Home
For many children, especially those with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or high anxiety profiles, aggression is not deliberate.
It is a nervous system response.
What’s happening in their body:
- Their brain is constantly scanning for threat (this is called neuroception)
- Demands, rules, transitions, loss of control or embarrassment trigger a fear response
- When they can’t escape the threat, their body goes into fight / flight / freeze
- At school they may freeze or mask
- At home — where they feel safest — the pressure releases as rage or aggression
This is why so many parents say:
“They’re fine at school… but explosive at home.”
Home is where the mask comes off.
Important Truth: This Is Not ‘Bad Behaviour’
Violence during meltdowns is not the same as:
- intentional harm
- lack of empathy
- entitlement
- being “spoilt”
During a meltdown:
- reasoning does not work
- consequences do not work
- punishment makes it worse
The child’s brain is offline. This is survival mode.
What Doesn’t Help (Even Though You’re Often Told It Will)
Many parents are advised to:
- remove devices
- take phones or consoles
- impose stricter rules
- escalate consequences
- “show them who’s in charge”
For neurodivergent children, especially PDA profiles, this often increases aggression because it:
- removes autonomy
- increases perceived threat
- confirms to their nervous system that they are not safe
If removing things makes your child worse — that’s information, not failure.
What Does Help Parents of Explosive Children
1. Regulate Yourself First (Even When It Feels Impossible)
Children borrow regulation from adults.
When you are calm (even quietly leaving the room), their nervous system has a chance to settle.
This does not mean you accept violence.
It means you don’t escalate it.
If needed:
- step outside
- sit in the car
- create distance while staying safe
Safety comes first — for everyone.
2. Reduce Demands During High-Stress Periods
This might feel uncomfortable, but it’s powerful.
Examples:
- delaying non-urgent tasks
- letting some rules slide temporarily
- choosing your battles
This is not “giving in” — it’s lowering nervous system load.
Once regulation improves, capacity returns.
3. Separate the Child From the Behaviour
You can say:
“I love you. I can’t let you hurt me.”
Not:
“You’re being awful / violent / unacceptable.”
Shame fuels more aggression.
4. Focus on Safety, Not Control
Your goal in explosive moments is:
- keep people safe
- reduce stimulation
- shorten the meltdown
Not to:
- teach a lesson
- correct behaviour
- explain consequences
Those come later, when the child is calm.
5. Aftercare Matters More Than Consequences
Once calm:
- reconnect
- reassure
- reduce pressure
- allow recovery time
Many families find:
- rest days
- pyjama days
- reduced expectations
help reset the system.
When to Ask for Support
You should seek additional support if:
- violence is frequent
- siblings are frightened
- you feel unsafe
- you are burning out
Support might include:
- EHCP application
- Section 19 alternative provision
- mental health services
- NVR (Non-Violent Resistance) parenting courses
- social care support (supportive, not punitive)
You deserve help too.
A Final Word to Parents
If you are:
- scared
- exhausted
- grieving the parenting experience you expected
that does not make you weak.
It makes you human.
Explosive behaviour is a sign of a child who is overwhelmed — and a parent who has been carrying too much, for too long, often without support.
You are not failing your child.
The system is failing families like yours.
And you are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.
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