Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a profile of autism that is still widely misunderstood — especially in girls. Many girls with PDA go unnoticed for years because they don’t fit the stereotypical picture of autism. Instead, they mask, comply, and hold it together… until they can’t.
If you’ve ever felt that your daughter is coping on the outside but falling apart at home, this article is for you.
1. She Appears Capable — Until Pressure Is Added
One of the most confusing signs of PDA in girls is inconsistent ability.
Your daughter might:
- Complete tasks easily one day
- Completely shut down the next
- Refuse or panic when expectations are attached
This isn’t laziness or manipulation. In PDA, demands trigger a threat response in the nervous system. Even things she wants to do can suddenly feel impossible when they’re expected.
This often leads adults to say:
“But she can do it when she wants to.”
The truth is — sometimes she genuinely can’t.
2. She’s a People-Pleaser Who Melts Down at Home
Many girls with PDA are expert maskers.
At school they may be:
- Polite
- Quiet
- Compliant
- Eager to please adults
At home, they may:
- Explode emotionally
- Become aggressive or withdrawn
- Appear controlling or oppositional
This happens because home is the safe place where the nervous system finally releases everything it’s been holding in all day. It’s not that she’s worse behaved with you — it’s that she trusts you.
3. Everyday Demands Cause Extreme Resistance
Girls with PDA often resist ordinary, everyday demands, including:
- Getting dressed
- Brushing teeth or hair
- Eating meals
- Leaving the house
- Going to bed
This resistance isn’t about refusing authority. It’s about maintaining a sense of autonomy. When that autonomy feels threatened, her body reacts as if she’s in danger.
This can look like:
- Panic
- Avoidance
- Meltdowns
- Negotiation or distraction
- Saying “no” to everything
4. Praise, Rewards, and Consequences Make Things Worse
Traditional parenting and school strategies often backfire with PDA.
Things that may increase anxiety include:
- Sticker charts
- Reward systems
- Praise like “well done”
- Consequences or sanctions
- Being singled out
Why? Because they add pressure.
Even positive attention can feel like another demand — another expectation she has to live up to. Over time, this can increase avoidance and distress rather than reduce it.
5. Big Emotions, Control Struggles, and Intense Relationships
Girls with PDA often experience:
- Intense emotional reactions
- Strong need for control
- Anxiety around fairness and injustice
- Difficult peer relationships
- Deep sensitivity to others’ moods
She may come across as:
- Bossy
- Rigid
- Overly emotional
- Dramatic
But underneath, this is usually a child who is chronically overwhelmed and trying to feel safe in a world that constantly feels too demanding.
Why PDA in Girls Is Missed So Often
Girls with PDA are frequently mislabelled as:
- Anxious
- Oppositional
- Defiant
- Emotionally immature
- “Strong-willed”
Many are diagnosed with anxiety or ADHD long before autism is ever considered — if it’s considered at all.
But PDA isn’t a behaviour problem.
It’s a nervous system difference.
If This Sounds Like Your Daughter
You’re not imagining it.
You’re not overreacting.
And you’re not a bad parent.
Early understanding, low-demand approaches, and the right support can make a life-changing difference.
If you need help explaining PDA traits to professionals, understanding your child’s rights, or navigating school support, AskEllie is here to help.
You’re not alone — even when it feels like you are.
Leave a Reply