Few things cut deeper for a parent than being told — directly or indirectly — that your child’s difficulties are “because of parenting.”
It often comes subtly.
“Is everything okay at home?”
“Do you think boundaries are consistent?”
“We don’t see this behaviour with other children…”
And suddenly the focus shifts from support… to scrutiny.
If this has happened to you, take a breath.
This is common.
And it’s not a sign that you are failing.
Why Schools Sometimes Shift to Blame
When a school struggles to manage behaviour, especially in children with SEND, there are usually two paths:
- Review the environment and support provision
- Suggest the problem originates at home
Blame can become a way of avoiding a harder conversation about unmet needs.
But behaviour is not proof of poor parenting.
It is communication.
And if your child has autism, ADHD, PDA, anxiety, trauma history, or sensory processing differences, dysregulation is not a parenting defect — it is a nervous system response.
Step 1: Don’t React Emotionally in the Meeting
You may feel hurt. Angry. Defensive. That’s normal.
But your power lies in staying calm and factual.
You are not there to defend your character.
You are there to ensure your child’s needs are met.
Step 2: Ask for Specific Evidence
If concerns are raised about parenting, ask:
- Can you provide examples in writing?
- What specific behaviours are you referring to?
- What data shows this is linked to parenting rather than school environment?
Vague statements should be challenged with specific requests.
Step 3: Bring It Back to Needs
Shift the focus back to support by asking:
- What unmet need might be driving this behaviour?
- When does it happen most often?
- What support strategies have been tried?
- What adjustments are currently in place?
If behaviour is only occurring in one setting, that matters.
Children don’t selectively “misbehave” to damage one environment. Patterns tell a story.
Step 4: Request a Provision Review
If your child has an EHCP:
- Ask how Section F is being implemented.
- Request evidence that support is being delivered as written.
- Ask whether additional assessments are needed.
If your child does not have an EHCP:
- Ask for an SEN support review.
- Request updated assessments.
- Ensure concerns are formally recorded.
Blame should never replace provision.
Step 5: Know the Legal Framework
Under the SEND Code of Practice, schools have a duty to:
- Identify and assess needs
- Provide appropriate support
- Review progress
- Make reasonable adjustments
It is not legally sufficient to suggest parenting is the root cause without exploring unmet educational needs.
Important: This Isn’t About Schools vs Parents
Many teachers are under enormous pressure.
Many want to help.
But systems can become defensive when stretched.
The goal isn’t confrontation.
It’s clarity.
Final Thought
If a school is blaming you instead of reviewing provision, that is often a sign something in the environment isn’t working.
You are not the problem.
Your child is not the problem.
Unmet needs are the problem.
And calm, evidence-based advocacy is how you protect your family.
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