If you’re parenting a teenager with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), you’ve probably noticed something important:
It’s not the task that causes the explosion.
It’s the demand.
And during the teenage years — when autonomy, identity, and control are already heightened — traditional parenting language can quickly escalate into shutdown, conflict, or complete refusal.
Understanding how to speak to a teenager with PDA can completely change the dynamic in your home.
First, Understand What PDA Really Is
PDA isn’t simply defiance.
It’s an anxiety-driven need to resist everyday demands.
When a demand is perceived, the nervous system can interpret it as a loss of control — even if the request is reasonable, kind, or necessary.
For a PDA teen, a simple instruction can trigger:
- Fight (arguing, aggression, anger)
- Flight (avoidance, distraction, leaving)
- Freeze (shutdown, silence, refusal)
- Fawn (surface compliance but internal distress)
The reaction often happens before logic has time to engage.
That’s why language matters so much.
Why Teenagers With PDA Are Especially Sensitive to Tone
Teenagers are wired for autonomy.
They are building identity, independence, and personal control.
When you combine adolescence with PDA, direct demands can feel doubly threatening.
So the goal shifts from:
“Getting compliance”
To:
“Creating collaboration”
1. Lower the Demand Tone
Traditional parenting language can unintentionally escalate things.
Instead of:
“Go and tidy your room.”
“You need to start your homework.”
“Put your phone down now.”
Try:
“I’m wondering how we’re going to tackle your room.”
“Shall we look at homework together?”
“What’s your plan for getting this done?”
This subtle shift removes the direct command energy.
It turns instruction into conversation.
2. Offer Real Choices (Even Small Ones)
PDA teenagers need autonomy.
Even small choices restore a sense of control.
Instead of:
“Start your homework.”
Try:
“Would you rather start now or in 15 minutes?”
“Do you want music on while you do it, or quiet?”
“Maths first or English first?”
The task still happens — but they retain ownership.
And ownership reduces anxiety.
3. Externalise the Problem
When the demand feels like it’s coming from you, resistance increases.
So shift it away from parent vs teen.
Instead of:
“You need to revise.”
Try:
“We’ve got exams coming up. How do you think we should approach this?”
“This deadline is getting closer — what’s our move?”
You’re positioning yourself as an ally, not an authority figure issuing orders.
That changes the nervous system response dramatically.
4. Regulate Yourself First
Teenagers with PDA are extremely sensitive to emotional tone.
If you escalate — even slightly — they will escalate.
If your voice tightens, posture changes, or frustration leaks through, their threat system activates.
Before speaking, ask yourself:
Am I calm enough for this conversation?
Because sometimes the most powerful strategy is pausing.
A regulated adult nervous system helps regulate a dysregulated teen.
5. Preserve Dignity
Teenagers need dignity.
Calling out behaviour in front of others, using sarcasm, or forcing compliance in public can damage trust quickly.
Instead:
- Speak privately.
- Stay neutral.
- Avoid power struggles.
You don’t need to win the moment.
You need to preserve the relationship.
What Not To Do
- Don’t double down on control.
- Don’t threaten unless you are absolutely prepared to follow through.
- Don’t interpret avoidance as disrespect.
- Don’t assume refusal means laziness.
With PDA, refusal is often anxiety — not attitude.
The Long-Term Goal
The goal isn’t blind obedience.
It’s building a teenager who:
- Feels safe
- Feels respected
- Learns to manage anxiety
- Can problem-solve collaboratively
- Trusts you enough to talk
When communication shifts from control to collaboration, you’ll often see less resistance — not because you’re “giving in,” but because you’re removing threat.
Final Thought
Speaking to a teenager with PDA isn’t about walking on eggshells.
It’s about understanding how their nervous system works.
And once you understand that, you stop seeing defiance.
You start seeing anxiety.
And when anxiety is met with calm, autonomy, and collaboration — relationships strengthen instead of fracture.
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