The first week back at school can be difficult for any family.
But when you have an autistic, ADHD, PDA or otherwise neurodivergent child, getting through the school gates can sometimes feel like an achievement in itself.
And as SEND parents, there was one mistake we made for a long time:
We assumed that because our child had managed to stay in school, they must have been coping.
We eventually learned that those are two very different things.
“But school says they’ve been absolutely fine…”
Many SEND parents will recognise this conversation.
You collect your child from school and the teacher tells you:
“They’ve had a lovely day.”
“No problems here.”
“They’ve been absolutely fine.”
Perhaps they’ve completed their work, followed instructions, spoken to friends and appeared settled throughout the day.
Then they get home.
And everything changes.
There may be shouting, crying or arguments.
They might refuse food or suddenly become extremely particular about what they’ll eat.
They may disappear into their bedroom, immediately reach for a screen or refuse to talk to anyone.
Something seemingly tiny — the wrong cup, a sibling making a noise, being asked to change clothes — can trigger an enormous reaction.
And as parents, it’s very easy to wonder:
If they managed all day at school, why are they behaving like this with us?
But that’s often the wrong question.
A better question can be:
How much energy did it take them to manage all day at school?
Holding it together isn’t necessarily the same as coping
Think about everything that can change when a SEND child returns to school.
There may be a new timetable.
Different teachers.
Different classrooms.
New expectations.
Busy corridors.
Uniform.
Noise.
Social interaction.
Break times.
Lunch halls.
Transitions between lessons.
Unpredictability.
Constant instructions and demands.
And after several weeks away from school, even familiar things can suddenly feel unfamiliar again.
Some neurodivergent children may also mask or suppress signs of distress while they’re at school.
From the outside, they can appear to be coping incredibly well.
Internally, however, their capacity may be steadily disappearing.
By the time they reach home — somewhere they feel safe enough to stop holding everything together — there may simply be nothing left.
That’s why some families describe what is often called after-school restraint collapse.
The child who apparently coped beautifully for six hours suddenly falls apart at home.
The mistake we made after school
This is the part I’ve had to learn as a parent.
Our children would come home after managing an incredibly demanding school day…
and we’d immediately give them another list of demands.
“How was school?”
“What did you do today?”
“Who did you sit with?”
“Have you got homework?”
“Go and get changed.”
“Put your shoes away.”
“Come and eat.”
“Turn that screen off.”
Individually, none of these requests seems unreasonable.
But imagine a child’s nervous system arriving home with only 2% battery remaining.
Every question and instruction requires a little more energy.
Eventually something seemingly insignificant becomes the final demand.
And then everyone wonders why the child has exploded over being asked to put their shoes away.
It probably wasn’t really about the shoes.
We started treating after school as recovery time
We gradually changed our approach.
Especially during demanding periods such as the first week back, we try to reduce unnecessary expectations when the boys get home.
That might mean fewer questions about school.
It might mean allowing some quiet time before expecting conversation.
It might mean a familiar safe food.
For some children, gaming, YouTube, headphones, music or a favourite activity can provide predictable input and help them regulate.
Sometimes they simply need to disappear into their room for a while.
That doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries or allowing every behaviour.
It means recognising that regulation may need to come before reasoning, conversation and additional demands.
Once their nervous system has recovered, everything else can become much easier.
Watch what happens outside school too
One of the most important lessons we’ve learned is not to judge whether school is working solely by what happens inside the classroom.
Look at the whole child.
Has their sleep changed?
Are Sunday evenings becoming increasingly difficult?
Are they complaining about headaches or stomach aches?
Are they exhausted after school?
Are meltdowns becoming more frequent?
Are they withdrawing from things they previously enjoyed?
Has eating become harder?
Are mornings becoming progressively more difficult?
Are they repeatedly asking what will happen the following day?
Are they beginning to say they can’t go back?
One difficult evening after school doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a serious problem.
The first few days back can simply be exhausting.
But if distress is becoming a pattern or progressively worsening, it deserves attention.
Don’t wait until a child is completely unable to attend before asking what needs to change.
“They’re fine at school” doesn’t end the conversation
Parents sometimes feel dismissed because school doesn’t witness the same behaviour.
But both experiences can be true.
A child can appear regulated at school and experience significant distress afterwards.
Rather than arguing over which version of the child is the “real” one, schools and families should be asking why there is such a difference between environments.
What demands are they managing?
Are they masking?
Are sensory demands too high?
Do they have access to a trusted adult?
Is there somewhere genuinely quiet they can regulate?
Are transitions causing difficulty?
Could their timetable temporarily be adjusted?
Are reasonable adjustments actually being implemented?
What could reduce the amount of energy required simply to survive the school day?
Those questions are far more useful than:
“Well, we don’t see that behaviour here.”
For PDA children, the demand load can be particularly significant
For children with a PDA profile, returning to school can involve an enormous increase in perceived demands.
Wake up.
Get dressed.
Eat breakfast.
Leave the house.
Get into the car.
Enter school.
Go to registration.
Move classrooms.
Complete work.
Answer questions.
Follow instructions.
Socialise.
Eat at a particular time.
Return to lessons.
Come home.
Homework.
Dinner.
Bed.
What looks like an ordinary school day can actually contain hundreds of demands and transitions.
Reducing unnecessary demands outside school can therefore give a child more capacity for the things that genuinely cannot be avoided.
Success shouldn’t only mean attendance
This is particularly important during the first week back.
For one child, success might be completing a full school day.
For another, it might be entering the building for an hour.
For another, meeting their trusted adult at the gate.
For a child experiencing significant school-related distress, simply getting dressed and attempting the journey might represent enormous progress.
We need to be careful that our desire to achieve attendance doesn’t cause us to overlook what the child is communicating.
Because attendance and genuine access to education are not always the same thing.
The question I ask differently now
For years, SEND parents have been conditioned to ask:
“Did they manage school today?”
I’ve started thinking about it differently.
I want to know:
“How much did today cost them?”
Because sometimes the child who apparently had the best day at school is the child who comes home completely depleted.
And sometimes the meltdown we see at 4pm actually began hours earlier — we just couldn’t see it yet.
So if your child has returned to school this week and they’re suddenly more exhausted, emotional, angry, withdrawn or dysregulated at home, don’t immediately assume they’re being difficult.
Be curious.
Give them space.
Reduce what can reasonably be reduced.
Watch for patterns.
And if those patterns continue, talk to school about what might need to change.
Because getting a SEND child into school is only one part of the picture.
The bigger goal should always be helping them access education without repeatedly having to sacrifice their wellbeing just to get through the day.
Sometimes the question isn’t “Did they cope?”
It’s “What did coping cost them?”
AskEllie supports families navigating SEND, school attendance difficulties, EBSA, EHCPs and disputes with schools and Local Authorities. You can find further information and private support at AskEllie.co.uk.
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