Many parents know this experience far too well:
Your child holds it together all day at school.
They come home, the door closes… and they collapse.
Tears, meltdowns, shutdowns, exhaustion, withdrawal — the whole emotional load they’ve been carrying spills out the second they feel safe.
And yet, when you raise concerns with school, you hear:
- “We don’t see any issues here.”
- “They’re absolutely fine for us.”
- “We can only support what we see in school.”
This is one of the most harmful misunderstandings within the education system, and it leaves thousands of neurodivergent children without the support they urgently need.
Today, we need to say it clearly:
A child who masks is not a child without needs.
They are a child working twice as hard to hide them.
What Is Masking?
Masking is when a child consciously or subconsciously hides their:
- Anxiety
- Sensory distress
- Confusion
- Overwhelm
- Autistic traits
- ADHD impulses
- Social fatigue
They do this to fit in, appear “easy,” or avoid getting into trouble.
Masking is not confidence.
It’s survival mode.
And it comes at a cost.
The Cost of Masking
Children who mask often experience:
- Burnout
- Meltdowns or shutdowns at home
- Sleep difficulties
- School refusal / EBSA
- Chronic exhaustion
- Difficulty forming friendships
- Misdiagnosed behaviour issues
Masking drains their emotional and sensory capacity, meaning parents see the full explosion later — while school continues believing everything is fine.
For many families, this leads to confusion and blame:
- School says: “They behave for us.”
- Home says: “They’re falling apart.”
- LA says: “No evidence of need.”
But the truth is simple:
Masking hides problems. It does not remove them.
Why Schools Misinterpret Masking
Most schools rely heavily on what they personally witness.
But SEND law doesn’t work like that.
The Children and Families Act 2014 makes it clear:
Support must be based on needs — not on behaviour.
Needs can be present even if a child:
- Smiles
- Sits quietly
- Follows instructions
- Doesn’t cause disruption
Quiet children are often the most misunderstood.
And for children who mask, “quiet” is a warning sign, not reassurance.
What Support Should Look Like for a Child Who Masks
Even if school claims they “don’t see it,” your child may need:
1. A safe space / calm area
Somewhere predictable to decompress before overwhelm hits.
2. Reduced sensory load
Headphones, movement breaks, softer lighting, structured routines.
3. Predictability and preparation
Visual schedules, advance warning of changes, gentle transitions.
4. Emotional check-ins
Not “are you okay?” — but open questions supported by trust and time.
5. Trauma-informed and neuroaffirming staff
Adults who recognise masking and respond with understanding, not punishment.
6. Adjustments written into the EHCP or SEN Support plan
So support is mandatory, not optional.
What Parents Can Say to School
Here’s wording you can use:
“My child masks in school. I understand you may not see the difficulties directly, but their behaviour at home shows clear signs of distress. Masking is widely recognised in SEND research and must be taken into account when planning support. We need adjustments based on need — not visibility.”
If you want, I can turn this into a full email you can copy and paste.
Why This Matters
Children who mask often go years without help.
Some slip into EBSA, burnout, self-harm, or school-based trauma because adults missed — or dismissed — the signs.
Your child isn’t “manipulating” or “fine for us.”
They’ve simply learned to survive in environments that don’t meet their needs.
Recognising masking is the first step to changing that.
If you’d like support wording an email, preparing for a meeting, or knowing what legal rights apply, AskEllie+ can help you write the exact message you need or visit AskEllie.co.uk for free resources.
Leave a Reply