Because sometimes the mums who seem to be holding everything together are the ones who need someone checking in on them the most.
By Oliver Lee | Founder of AskEllie.co.uk | SEND Dad
If you have a friend who’s raising a child with autism, ADHD or additional needs, I want to ask you to do something today.
Check in on her.
Not just once. Not just when she’s visibly struggling. But regularly.
Because there’s something about being a SEND parent that people don’t always understand.
You can be surrounded by people, have a family you love more than anything in the world, and still feel incredibly alone.
And for many SEND mums, that loneliness isn’t because they don’t have friends.
It’s because their lives have become so different from everyone else’s that maintaining those friendships can feel almost impossible.
The Mum Who Slowly Disappeared From Her Friendships
Think about the mum who used to come out for coffee.
The one who attended birthday parties, arranged playdates, went out for dinner and always seemed to have time for everyone.
Now she barely replies to messages.
She cancels plans.
She doesn’t come to social events.
And sometimes, weeks or even months pass without anyone hearing from her.
It’s easy to assume she’s lost interest.
But what if she’s simply exhausted?
What if she’s spent the entire night awake with a frightened child?
What if she’s just finished another exhausting meeting with school?
What if she’s spent the day managing her child’s anxiety, sensory difficulties or emotional distress?
What if she’s trying to keep her family functioning while quietly struggling herself?
Sometimes SEND mums don’t disappear because they want to. They disappear because they’re using every bit of energy they have just to get through the day.
And the sad reality is that the longer they’re absent, the less people tend to invite them.
Eventually, the invitations stop altogether.
When Your Child’s Needs Make Everyday Life Unpredictable
One of the hardest things about raising a child with additional needs is that you can’t always predict what tomorrow will look like.
Some days, your child is happy, settled and managing beautifully.
Other days, everything feels overwhelming.
A change in routine.
A difficult school day.
An unexpected noise.
A sensory issue.
Anxiety about leaving the house.
A night without enough sleep.
Something that another family might consider a small inconvenience can sometimes have a much bigger impact on a child who struggles with emotional regulation, communication or sensory processing.
And when a child becomes overwhelmed, it’s often their mum who has to help them through it.
That can mean cancelling plans at the last minute, leaving somewhere unexpectedly or simply being unable to commit to anything in advance.
It’s important to remember that autistic children and children with additional needs develop at different rates and have different strengths and challenges.
Some may need additional support with communication, understanding, emotional regulation or independence, even when they appear to be coping well in other areas.
And those needs can change from day to day.
It’s not necessarily that a SEND mum doesn’t want to see you. Sometimes she genuinely doesn’t know whether she’ll be able to leave the house until the moment arrives.
The Exhaustion People Don’t See
I’m a SEND dad raising two neurodivergent boys alongside my wife, Rebecca.
And I know from our own experiences just how exhausting family life can become when your children need additional support.
I’ve spoken openly about the difficulties we’ve experienced with our son’s sleep and separation anxiety.
For more than ten years, I’ve often needed to sit beside him while he falls asleep.
That has had an enormous impact on my own sleep, my concentration, our routines and the time Rebecca and I get to spend together.
And sleep is just one part of our experience.
Now imagine combining that with school meetings, assessments, appointments, paperwork, fighting for appropriate support and the constant worry about your child’s future.
For many parents, there’s no real opportunity to switch off.
Even when they’re sitting down, their minds are still working.
Thinking about tomorrow.
Thinking about school.
Thinking about the next appointment.
Wondering whether they’re doing enough.
Wondering whether things will ever become easier.
And sometimes, the exhaustion isn’t just physical.
It’s the emotional weight of constantly being responsible for making sure somebody else is OK, while rarely having the opportunity to ask yourself the same question.
Please Don’t Mistake Silence for Not Caring
This is something I really want friends and family members to understand.
When a SEND mum doesn’t reply to your message, please don’t automatically assume she’s ignoring you.
When she cancels another arrangement, try not to take it personally.
When she declines an invitation, please don’t stop asking.
Because there may be a very different story happening behind closed doors.
She may have spent hours helping her child through a period of distress.
She may be recovering from another sleepless night.
She may be dealing with a school that doesn’t understand her child’s needs.
Or she may simply have reached the end of another day with absolutely nothing left to give.
And sometimes, replying to a message can feel like one more demand when she’s already completely overwhelmed.
The friendship still matters to her. She just might not have the capacity to show it in the way she once did.
The Guilt That Comes With Being a SEND Mum
There’s another part of this conversation that deserves more attention.
Guilt.
The guilt of cancelling plans.
The guilt of not spending enough time with your partner.
The guilt of feeling exhausted.
The guilt of not giving siblings enough attention.
The guilt of wondering whether you could have handled a difficult situation differently.
And sometimes, the guilt of desperately wanting an hour to yourself.
We need to stop making parents feel that loving their children means they should never struggle.
You can love your child unconditionally and still find aspects of parenting incredibly difficult.
You can be grateful for your family and still miss the freedom you once had.
You can want the very best for your child and still need somebody to look after you occasionally.
Those feelings aren’t contradictions.
They’re part of being human.
And parents shouldn’t have to pretend they’re coping perfectly before they deserve understanding.
Seven Things Friends and Family Can Do That Genuinely Help
You don’t need to be an autism specialist or understand every aspect of SEND to be a good friend.
Sometimes the most meaningful support comes from the simplest things.
1. Keep inviting her, even when she says no.
She might not be able to make it this week, next week or even next month.
But knowing she hasn’t been forgotten matters.
Try saying: “No pressure at all, but we’d love to see you whenever you’re able.”
2. Ask how SHE is, not just how her child is.
So many conversations with SEND parents focus entirely on their children’s needs.
Sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that somebody sees you as a person too.
Ask how she’s sleeping, how she’s coping or whether she’s had any time for herself.
And be prepared to listen to the answer.
3. Don’t immediately offer parenting advice.
Unless she’s asked for suggestions, try not to jump straight into telling her what she should be doing differently.
You might genuinely mean well.
But she’s probably already spent years trying different approaches, seeking professional advice and learning what works for her child.
Sometimes she doesn’t need another solution.
She just needs someone to say, “That sounds really hard.”
4. Offer practical help rather than saying, “Let me know if you need anything.”
When someone is overwhelmed, asking for help can become another task.
Instead, offer something specific.
“I’m going to the supermarket. Can I pick anything up?”
“Would it help if I dropped dinner round?”
“Do you fancy a coffee at home instead of going out?”
Practical help should always be offered without pressure and with an understanding of the child’s routines and needs.
5. Be flexible with plans.
A SEND family might need to leave early, change arrangements or cancel unexpectedly.
Try not to make them feel guilty.
Sometimes being included in a flexible, understanding way can make socialising feel possible again.
6. Remember that her child’s needs may not be obvious.
Not every disability is visible.
A child who appears confident or happy in one environment may struggle considerably in another.
Please don’t assume that because you’ve seen a child coping well, the parent must be exaggerating their difficulties.
Listen to what the family tells you about their experiences.
7. Don’t disappear when things become difficult.
It’s easy to be present when life is going well.
But the friendships that mean the most are often those that survive the difficult periods.
You don’t have to fix everything.
You don’t even have to know what to say.
Sometimes just being there is enough.
What SEND Mums Wish Other People Understood
I think one of the biggest misunderstandings is the assumption that SEND parents simply need to become better organised, more consistent or stricter with their children.
But the challenges families experience aren’t always solved by changing a bedtime routine or introducing another reward chart.
Some children experience profound anxiety.
Others have significant sensory needs, communication difficulties or developmental differences.
Some require support well beyond what would ordinarily be expected for their age.
And in many cases, families are navigating those challenges while struggling to access suitable professional help.
Every autistic child is different.
Every SEND family is different.
And what works beautifully for one child might be completely inappropriate for another.
That’s why compassion and curiosity are so important.
Instead of asking, “Why can’t she just manage?”
Perhaps we should be asking:
“What is she having to manage that I don’t see?”
And What About the Mum Behind It All?
This is the part I really want people to think about.
Behind every appointment, school meeting, difficult bedtime and carefully managed routine, there’s a parent.
A person who had interests before becoming a mum.
Who had
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