One of the most common pieces of advice given to parents of children with a PDA profile is:
“Give them choices.”
And it makes sense.
Rather than saying, “Put your shoes on,” you might ask:
“Trainers or boots?”
Rather than saying, “Get dressed,” you might offer:
“Blue top or black top?”
Giving choices can increase autonomy and reduce the feeling that somebody else is controlling what happens.
But there’s something parents don’t always get warned about:
Some PDA children struggle with demands… but also become completely overwhelmed when you give them choices.
And when you understand why, it isn’t necessarily contradictory at all.
When the choice itself becomes another demand
Imagine asking:
“What do you want for dinner?”
It sounds like the opposite of a demand.
But think about everything the child now has to do.
They need to identify what they want, consider different foods, think about sensory preferences, compare the possibilities, make a decision and communicate it.
They may also have to deal with the uncertainty that comes with choosing:
What if I choose the wrong thing?
What if I change my mind?
What if it doesn’t taste how I’m expecting?
For a child already dealing with autism, anxiety, sensory differences or executive-function difficulties, that’s potentially a lot of cognitive load.
So instead of feeling:
“Great! I’m in control.”
they may experience:
“Now I HAVE to make a decision.”
Choice has accidentally become another demand.
“But they don’t want me deciding either!”
This is where parents can feel completely stuck.
You decide what happens…
“NO!”
You give them a choice…
“I DON’T KNOW!”
You ask what they’d prefer…
“STOP ASKING ME!”
It can feel like there is literally no correct answer.
But sometimes the common denominator isn’t who gets to decide.
It’s pressure.
Being told what to do creates pressure.
But being required to make a decision can create pressure too.
Understanding that can completely change how we approach the situation.
What decision overwhelm can look like
It doesn’t always look like a child calmly saying:
“I find decision-making difficult.”
It might look like:
- rejecting every option
- repeatedly changing their mind
- becoming angry when asked questions
- saying “I don’t know” over and over
- freezing
- crying
- walking away
- asking somebody else to decide
- demanding more options and then rejecting those too
- refusing the entire activity
From the outside this can easily be interpreted as controlling behaviour.
But sometimes the child simply cannot find an option that feels safe enough in that moment.
Beware of disguised choices
There’s another problem with some of the choices adults offer.
They aren’t really choices.
For example:
“Do you want to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?”
The child isn’t actually being given a choice about brushing their teeth.
The demand has already been decided.
We’re offering some control around how it happens.
That can be extremely useful for some children.
But a PDA child may immediately recognise:
“Either answer still means I have to brush my teeth.”
So if this technique repeatedly makes things worse, it doesn’t necessarily mean your child is deliberately being difficult.
The underlying demand may still feel just as strong.
Try giving information instead of requiring an answer
This is where declarative language can sometimes help.
Instead of:
“Are you going to put your coat on?”
try:
“It looks really cold outside today.”
Instead of:
“Which clothes do you want?”
try:
“I’ve left some clothes over there whenever you’re ready.”
Instead of:
“What do you want for breakfast?”
you might say:
“I’m thinking toast might be easiest this morning.”
You’re providing useful information without necessarily requiring an immediate decision.
That can remove one more layer of pressure.
Make the decision reversible
Some children struggle because choosing feels permanent.
So make it clear that it isn’t.
Try:
“We can try this one and change it if it doesn’t feel right.”
Or:
“I’ll choose this for now, but we can swap if you want.”
Suddenly the child isn’t being asked to make the perfect decision.
There is an escape route.
And knowing they can change their mind may actually make choosing easier.
Sometimes fewer choices are better
We often assume more choice means more autonomy.
It doesn’t always.
Imagine opening a streaming service with thousands of films available and spending 45 minutes scrolling because you can’t decide what to watch.
Adults experience decision fatigue too.
Now imagine doing that when you’re already overwhelmed.
Instead of:
“What do you want to do today?”
you could try:
“I’m thinking either we stay home today or do something really quiet.”
Sometimes reducing the number of possibilities reduces the cognitive load.
And sometimes even two choices are too many.
It’s okay to carry the decision for them
This can feel strange when you’ve been told that PDA parenting is all about autonomy.
But supporting autonomy doesn’t mean requiring a child to make every decision.
Sometimes they need somebody else to temporarily carry some of that mental load.
You can say:
“You don’t need to decide this one. I’ll sort it.”
Or:
“I’ll choose something for now and you can tell me if it doesn’t work.”
You’re not necessarily taking their autonomy away.
You’re giving them permission not to perform the work of deciding.
Capacity matters
The same strategy won’t necessarily work every day.
Your child might happily choose their breakfast on Saturday morning.
After six hours at school, social interaction, masking, noise, transitions and demands, asking:
“What do you want for dinner?”
might be the thing that tips them over.
That’s because capacity changes.
When their nervous system has plenty left, choices may feel empowering.
When they’re approaching overload, the exact same choices may feel impossible.
So rather than asking:
“Why did this work yesterday?”
sometimes a better question is:
“How much capacity do they have today?”
There is no perfect PDA script
This is something I think parents desperately need to hear.
You might have been told:
Give choices.
Use humour.
Use declarative language.
Reduce demands.
Offer control.
Make things collaborative.
And then tried all of those things and thought:
“Why isn’t any of this working?”
Because these are strategies — not rules.
There isn’t a magic combination of words that works for every PDA child.
And there isn’t necessarily one approach that will work for your child every single time.
The goal is not to become perfect at “PDA parenting.”
The goal is to become curious about what increases and decreases pressure for your individual child.
Follow the child, not the strategy
If giving choices helps your child, brilliant.
Keep using them.
If giving choices repeatedly creates more distress, that’s useful information too.
Try fewer options.
Try statements rather than questions.
Make decisions reversible.
Delay the decision.
Or sometimes simply say:
“You don’t need to decide right now.”
Because a child can desperately need autonomy…
while simultaneously finding decision-making overwhelming.
Those two things can exist together.
And sometimes the most supportive thing we can do isn’t give them another choice.
It’s remove the pressure to choose.
Leave a Reply