If your child says things like:
- “You’re the worst parent.”
- “You don’t love me.”
- “I hate my life.”
- “I don’t love you.”
…it can hit you straight in the chest.
For many parents — especially those raising autistic, ADHD or PDA children — these words are deeply distressing. They trigger fear, guilt, panic, and an urgent need to fix what’s being said.
This blog is here to gently explain what is often really happening, and how to respond in a way that reduces distress rather than accidentally increasing it.
First: Take the Words Seriously — But Not Literally
When a child uses extreme language, our instinct is to treat every sentence as a literal belief:
“Do they really hate their life?”
“Do they truly feel unloved?”
But for many neurodivergent children, especially those with PDA profiles, this language is often a signal of nervous system overload, not a fixed emotional truth.
In moments of high stress, the brain switches into threat mode. Language becomes exaggerated, repetitive, and absolute.
This doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t real.
It means the body is talking louder than the thinking brain.
Why PDA and Autistic Children Use Extreme Language
Children with PDA and autistic profiles often experience:
- Heightened threat sensitivity
- Intense emotional surges
- Difficulty processing feelings in the moment
- A strong need for autonomy and control
When that system is overwhelmed, language can come out as:
- Accusatory
- All‑or‑nothing
- Repetitive
- Directed at the safest person in the room
This is not manipulation.
It’s survival communication.
Why Reassurance Can Make It Worse
Most parents respond with love:
- “That’s not true, we love you.”
- “You don’t really mean that.”
- “Your life isn’t bad.”
But in a threat state, reassurance can feel like pressure.
From the child’s nervous system point of view, it can sound like:
- “You’re wrong to feel this.”
- “Change your emotions.”
- “Stop saying this.”
For PDA children especially, this can trigger a loss of autonomy, which keeps the threat response active — and the language continues or escalates.
Think of the Words as Data, Not Verdicts
Instead of asking “Is this true?”, try asking:
“What is their nervous system telling me right now?”
These statements often mean:
- “I am overwhelmed.”
- “I don’t feel safe right now.”
- “I can’t cope with this demand.”
- “I need connection without pressure.”
The words are symptoms, not the diagnosis.
What Helps in the Moment
When the language appears, the goal is not to correct it.
The goal is to lower threat.
Helpful responses might sound like:
- “I can hear how heavy things feel right now.”
- “We don’t need to fix this moment.”
- “I’m here.”
- “We can talk later if that feels easier.”
Silence, proximity, or shared regulation is often more effective than conversation.
What This Is Not
This approach does not mean:
- Ignoring genuine distress
- Dismissing self‑harm language
- Never seeking professional support
If language becomes persistent, specific, or linked to harm, support should always be sought.
But day‑to‑day extreme statements in PDA and autistic children are often about regulation, not belief.
A Word to Parents
If your child says these things to you, it’s often because you are their safest place.
That doesn’t make it easy.
But it does mean you haven’t failed.
You’re responding to a nervous system under strain — in a world that often puts far too much pressure on families.
You are not alone in this.
And with the right understanding, these moments can become quieter, shorter, and less frightening over time.
Ask Ellie exists to help parents understand what’s underneath behaviour — and to respond with clarity instead of fear.
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