AskEllie.co.uk

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  • Two big new laws just changed in the UK — and SEND families need to know about them.

    Two major legal changes are coming into force in the UK — and while they haven’t made many headlines for SEND families, they absolutely should have.

    These changes affect:

    • how parents and carers are protected at work
    • how disabled people, autistic people, and those with learning disabilities are treated under mental health law

    They won’t fix everything.
    But they are important — and they could make a real difference for families who have been pushed to breaking point for years.

    Here’s what you need to know.

    1. The Employment Rights Act — A Big Shift for Parents and Carers

    For many SEND families, work is not just work — it’s a constant balancing act.

    School calls, reduced timetables, exclusions, hospital appointments, mental health crises, and sheer exhaustion often collide with rigid employment rules that were never designed with disability in mind.

    The new Employment Rights Act aims to change that.

    What’s changing?

    Key changes include:

    • The earnings threshold for Statutory Sick Pay is being removed, meaning more people will qualify
    • Sick pay will be available from day one, not after a waiting period
    • Stronger protections around parental and family-related leave
    • Greater recognition of caring responsibilities and health-related absence

    Why this matters for SEND families

    SEND parenting often involves:

    • unpredictable absences
    • sudden emergencies
    • burnout and mental health strain
    • parents managing their own disabilities

    Under the old system, many parents were penalised financially or professionally for circumstances outside their control.

    This law represents a shift away from “just cope or lose your job” and towards the idea that work should adapt to people — not punish them for disability-related needs.

    It’s not perfect.
    But it’s progress.

    2. The Mental Health Act Update — Long Overdue Change

    The Mental Health Act has not been properly updated for decades — and its failures have caused real harm.

    Under the old law:

    • Black people were disproportionately detained and sanctioned
    • autistic people and people with learning disabilities were often sectioned inappropriately
    • distress caused by lack of support was treated as mental illness

    Too often, people were detained not because it was clinically right — but because services couldn’t cope.

    What’s changing?

    The updated Mental Health Act aims to:

    • reduce racial inequalities in detentions
    • strengthen patients’ rights and safeguards
    • prevent autistic people and people with learning disabilities from being sectioned simply because of distress or lack of provision

    This is a crucial shift.

    It recognises that:

    • autism is not a mental illness
    • learning disability is not a reason for detention
    • distress is often a response to unmet needs, not a psychiatric condition

    Why This Matters for SEND Families

    SEND families have been raising these concerns for years.

    Parents have watched children and adults:

    • escalate because support wasn’t in place
    • be labelled “challenging” or “dangerous”
    • be moved into crisis pathways instead of being helped early

    These legal changes acknowledge something families already know:

    👉 The system itself often creates the crisis.

    Both laws signal a move — however slow — towards:

    • protection instead of punishment
    • understanding instead of blame
    • rights instead of gatekeeping

    What These Laws Don’t Do

    It’s important to be honest.

    These changes:

    • won’t magically fix SEND services
    • won’t end waiting lists
    • won’t stop all inappropriate school or health decisions

    Laws only matter if they are implemented properly — and families are empowered to use them.

    But they do give families stronger ground to stand on.

    Final Thoughts

    For too long, SEND families have been forced to survive systems that were never built for them.

    These new laws show that:

    • advocacy matters
    • lived experience matters
    • pressure works

    They are not the finish line — but they are steps in the right direction.

    If you want clearer, plain-English explanations of your rights — or help understanding how these changes apply to your family — you’ll find ongoing guidance and support at AskEllie.co.uk.

    You shouldn’t have to fight alone to be protected by the law.

  • Things You’re Entitled to on PIP or DLA at Christmas (That People Aren’t Told)

    Christmas can be one of the most expensive and overwhelming times of year — and for disabled people and families of disabled children, it often comes with more pressure, not less.

    If you or your child receives PIP or DLA, it’s important to know this:

    Your rights and entitlements do not pause at Christmas.
    In fact, for many families, disability-related needs increase over the holidays — and that matters.

    This post explains what you’re entitled to, what often gets misunderstood, and where support can be accessed.

    1. Your PIP or DLA Continues as Normal

    Your benefit:

    • does not stop
    • does not reduce
    • does not change

    because it’s Christmas.

    If routines breaking down, visitors, noise, travel, or sensory overload make things harder during the holidays, that does not undermine entitlement. It reinforces that disability-related needs are ongoing and real.

    2. Increased Needs at Christmas Are Still Disability-Related Needs

    Many families notice that Christmas brings:

    • higher anxiety
    • sensory overload
    • disrupted sleep
    • increased supervision needs
    • higher transport costs
    • extra heating use

    These are valid disability-related needs.

    You do not need to minimise them or “cope better because it’s Christmas”. Disability doesn’t take a holiday — and neither do your rights.

    3. You May Be Entitled to Extra Universal Credit Support

    If your child receives DLA, you may be entitled to additional elements within Universal Credit, including:

    • the disabled child element
    • the severely disabled child element (if the highest rate of DLA care is awarded)

    Many families miss out on this simply because no one tells them to claim it.

    If your circumstances have changed — or if you’re unsure — it’s worth checking, especially during high-cost periods like Christmas.

    4. Help With Heating and Energy Costs

    Many people on PIP or DLA qualify for extra energy-related support, including:

    • the Warm Home Discount
    • Priority Services Register with energy suppliers
    • additional flexibility if heating needs are higher due to medical or sensory reasons

    Needing heating on more because of pain, regulation, or health needs is legitimate. You are not expected to “tough it out”.

    5. You Are Entitled to Reasonable Adjustments — Even at Christmas

    The Equality Act still applies during the festive period.

    That means you’re entitled to reasonable adjustments in places like:

    • shops
    • public transport
    • schools or holiday activities
    • appointments
    • events

    This might include quieter times, flexibility, understanding around attendance, or accommodations for sensory needs.

    You are not asking for special treatment — you are exercising your rights.

    6. You Are Allowed to Say No

    This may be the most important entitlement of all.

    You are allowed to:

    • decline events
    • leave early
    • keep routines
    • simplify Christmas
    • prioritise regulation over tradition

    Protecting wellbeing is not being difficult or ungrateful — it’s necessary.

    7. Emergency and Local Support Still Exists

    If things feel tight financially, many areas offer:

    • local welfare assistance
    • council hardship funds
    • food and fuel support
    • community grants

    These are often poorly advertised, but they do exist — and receiving PIP or DLA can strengthen eligibility.

    Final Thought

    If Christmas feels harder for your family, that doesn’t mean you’re failing.

    It means your needs are real — and support should meet you where you are, not disappear when the calendar changes.

    If you’re unsure what you’re entitled to, or want help checking support options, there are resources available at AskEllie.co.uk to guide you step by step.

    You’re not asking for too much.
    You’re asking for what you’re entitled to.

  • This Could Be the Most Important Thing You Read If You Suspect Your Daughter Is Autistic

    For years, autism in girls has been missed — not because the signs weren’t there, but because they didn’t look the way professionals expected them to.

    Girls were quiet. Polite. Sensitive. They coped.
    And because they coped, they were overlooked.

    Today, we’re only just beginning to understand the long-term cost of late autism diagnosis in women — and why recognising the signs earlier in girls is not about labels, but about protection.

    Why Autism in Girls Is So Often Missed

    Autism research and diagnostic criteria were historically based on boys. As a result, girls who were autistic but didn’t present with disruptive or obvious behaviours were often described as:

    • anxious
    • shy
    • sensitive
    • perfectionistic
    • “old souls”
    • emotionally intense

    Many masked heavily at school — copying peers, forcing eye contact, suppressing distress — and then unravelled at home. Because school reports were often “fine”, concerns raised by parents were dismissed.

    Masking was mistaken for coping.

    What Happens When Autism Is Missed

    When autistic girls grow up without recognition or support, they often learn one thing very early:

    Push through.

    They push through discomfort.
    They push through exhaustion.
    They push through pain.

    Over time, this takes a toll.

    Many late-diagnosed autistic women describe similar life patterns:

    • chronic anxiety and burnout
    • people-pleasing and loss of identity
    • feeling broken without knowing why
    • repeated mental health diagnoses that never fully explain things
    • being told “it’s just stress” — again and again

    And for many, the impact doesn’t stay emotional. It becomes physical.

    The Nervous System Cost

    Years of masking and living in survival mode can overload the nervous system. Research and lived experience increasingly show links between late-diagnosed autism and conditions such as:

    • chronic pain
    • fibromyalgia
    • fatigue syndromes
    • autoimmune difficulties
    • sensory sensitivity that worsens with age

    These women often spend years seeking medical answers — only to feel dismissed, minimised, or gaslit.

    Their bodies were communicating distress long before anyone was listening.

    Why This Is Personal

    This is not just theoretical for many families.

    Looking back, many adults now recognise autistic traits in parents, grandparents, or relatives who were never identified — people who suffered quietly, coped constantly, and became unwell far too young.

    For some of us, that realisation comes too late.

    And it raises a painful question:
    What if understanding had come earlier?

    Why Early Recognition Matters

    Early recognition does not mean limiting a child’s future.
    It means protecting it.

    An autistic girl who is recognised and supported early is more likely to:

    • understand herself
    • receive appropriate adjustments
    • avoid long-term burnout
    • develop a healthy relationship with her needs
    • grow up knowing she isn’t broken

    Support early on can reduce the need for the body to “speak” through illness later.

    Trust What You See

    If you’re a parent reading this and something doesn’t sit right — trust that instinct.

    You don’t need every sign.
    You don’t need a crisis.
    You don’t need school agreement to notice your child is struggling.

    Quiet suffering is still suffering.

    And recognising autism in girls early isn’t about putting them in a box — it’s about giving them language, understanding, and support before coping turns into harm.

    Final Thought

    So many women were missed because they were brave, compliant, and silent.

    Our daughters deserve better.

    If recognising the signs earlier can spare even one girl years of confusion, pain, or burnout — then these conversations matter.

    And they’re long overdue.

  • If I Keep Doing Things For Them… Will They Ever Learn?

    Understanding PDA, demand avoidance, and nervous system overwhelm in everyday care tasks

    One of the most common questions parents ask — often with guilt in their voice — is this:

    “If I keep putting my child’s shoes on… won’t they never learn to do it themselves?”

    Or:
    *“If I keep brushing their teeth for them…”
    *“If I still dress them at age 10…”
    “If I let them avoid things, am I holding them back?”

    These are honest, loving questions. They come from wanting to support our children well — and from being constantly told that independence should always be the goal.

    But for children with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) profiles — or those with similar profiles of trauma, anxiety, sensory integration difficulties, or autistic burnout — the question isn’t about skill.

    It’s about access.

    Most of these children can do it.

    They’ve shown us before:
    They know how to put on socks.
    They know how to zip a coat.
    They can brush their teeth.

    But in the moment — when their nervous system is overwhelmed — they just… can’t.

    It’s not defiance.
    It’s not laziness.
    It’s not regression.

    It’s a nervous system under threat, and it’s protecting them the only way it knows how: by shutting down anything that feels like a demand.

    “Why can they do it sometimes and not others?”

    Because their body’s internal alarm system — their fight, flight, freeze, fawn response — is always scanning for threat. That “threat” might be:

    • Being rushed
    • The sensory feel of clothes
    • Feeling watched or corrected
    • The effort of decision-making
    • A reminder of a hard morning yesterday

    Even a small task like brushing teeth can feel unbearable when their nervous system is already overloaded.

    They haven’t lost the skill — it’s just inaccessible in that moment.

    What helps?

    When we reduce demands and co-regulate instead of push, we’re not stopping progress.

    We’re creating the conditions for it.

    You can think of it like this:

    🧠 Your child’s nervous system is like a battery that’s constantly draining from sensory overload, social pressure, school trauma, and anxiety.

    🤲 Every time you offer help — calmly brushing their hair, sitting beside them while they get dressed, or saying “I’ll do it for you today” — you’re giving that battery a tiny recharge.

    Over time, those small moments of safety allow the nervous system to come back online. And when that happens, the skills often return — gently, at their own pace.

    Independence doesn’t start with pressure.

    It starts with co-regulation. With trust. With safety.

    So if you’re brushing their teeth again today…
    If you’re slipping their shoes on when they can’t bear to do it…
    If you’re offering a banana on the sofa instead of insisting on breakfast at the table…

    You’re not failing.

    You’re parenting in response to your child’s nervous system, not their age.

    And one day — maybe sooner than you expect — they’ll reach for the shoes themselves. Not because they were pushed, but because they could.

    Final thoughts

    There’s so much pressure on parents to “foster independence” — especially when you’re raising a child who doesn’t fit the typical mould.

    But if your child is navigating PDA, trauma, anxiety, burnout, or sensory processing differences, their brain isn’t resisting because they’re unmotivated.

    It’s resisting because it’s overwhelmed.

    And the most supportive thing you can do is lower the demands until their nervous system can breathe again.

    That’s not giving in. That’s meeting the need.

    That’s parenting for progress.

  • 5 Signs an Autistic Girl Is Being Missed — And Why It’s Often Not Recognised Until Later

    For decades, autism has been understood through a very narrow lens — one that centres on boys, visible behaviours, and external disruption.

    As a result, thousands of autistic girls go unnoticed, unsupported, and misunderstood until adolescence or adulthood — if they’re recognised at all.

    Instead of being identified as autistic, they’re labelled:

    • sensitive
    • anxious
    • perfectionistic
    • dramatic
    • withdrawn
    • or “just struggling emotionally”

    Here are five common signs that an autistic girl may be going under the radar — and why they’re so often missed.

    1. She’s Known as the ‘Sensitive’ Child

    Autistic girls are often described as:

    • overly sensitive to noise, light, tags, or textures
    • deeply affected by other people’s emotions
    • empathetic to the point of overwhelm

    Rather than being seen as sensory processing differences, this sensitivity is often framed as emotional weakness or anxiety.

    In reality, her nervous system is processing more information, more intensely.

    2. She Needs a Lot of Alone Time to Recover

    She may enjoy socialising — but it comes at a cost.

    After school or social events, she might need:

    • complete quiet
    • one-to-one interaction only
    • days to recover after a busy event
    • time alone in a cosy, predictable space

    This isn’t antisocial behaviour.
    It’s nervous system recovery.

    Autistic girls often mask so well socially that adults don’t see the exhaustion underneath.

    3. Her Interests Become Part of Her Identity

    Autistic girls often have deep, immersive interests, but they don’t always look like the stereotypical “special interests”.

    They may be intensely drawn to:

    • art or creativity
    • psychology or sociology
    • animals or nature
    • books, characters, or fictional worlds
    • learning everything there is to know about a topic

    When she’s interested, she goes all in.
    This depth is often praised — but rarely recognised as autistic focus.

    4. Her Diagnoses Read Like an Alphabet Soup

    Before autism is ever considered, many girls are diagnosed with:

    • anxiety
    • ADHD
    • depression
    • eating disorders
    • sensory processing difficulties

    Each diagnosis explains part of the picture, but not the whole story.

    Over time, families notice a pattern — and eventually realise that autism is the framework that connects everything.

    5. Heavy Masking — Until the Body Can’t Cope Anymore

    Perhaps the most overlooked sign.

    Autistic girls are often exceptional maskers:

    • copying peers
    • forcing eye contact
    • suppressing stimming
    • hiding confusion or distress

    At school, they may appear calm, capable, even thriving.

    At home, the mask drops.

    This can look like:

    • meltdowns or shutdowns
    • extreme exhaustion
    • anxiety
    • emotional outbursts
    • school refusal or burnout

    Over time, chronic masking can lead to physical health issues such as:

    • chronic fatigue
    • pain conditions like fibromyalgia
    • autoimmune difficulties
    • ongoing unexplained health symptoms

    Many women later report being dismissed or gaslit by healthcare professionals, told it’s “just stress” or “just anxiety”.

    Those internal experiences were — and are — real.

    Why Autism in Girls Is So Often Missed

    Girls are often socialised to:

    • fit in
    • be polite
    • not cause trouble
    • manage emotions quietly

    So instead of externalising distress, they internalise it.

    Masking becomes survival — until it becomes burnout.

    If This Sounds Familiar

    If you’re nodding along to this — whether as a parent or as a woman reflecting on her own childhood — you’re not imagining it.

    You weren’t broken.
    You weren’t failing.
    You were adapting in a world that didn’t recognise your needs.

    Final Thought

    Quiet children can struggle just as deeply as loud ones.
    Compliance is not the same as coping.
    And masking is not wellbeing.

    Recognising autism in girls earlier isn’t about labels —
    it’s about support, understanding, and preventing burnout before it takes hold.

  • Schools Will Teach ‘Healthy Relationships’ to Tackle Misogyny — But Will It Really Help Our Children?

    This week, a new announcement made headlines:
    Schools in England will be required to teach healthy relationships as part of a wider effort to tackle misogyny and harmful attitudes among young people.

    On the surface, it sounds positive. Necessary, even.

    But for many parents — especially those raising neurodivergent children — the announcement raises an important question:

    Will this actually change what children experience day to day?

    Why This Matters Right Now

    Concerns about misogyny, online radicalisation, coercive behaviour and unhealthy relationship dynamics are no longer limited to adults. Many parents are seeing worrying attitudes and behaviours emerge earlier and earlier — often shaped by social media, gaming spaces, peer culture, and a lack of safe conversations.

    This has even been reflected in popular culture, with recent storylines in EastEnders exploring coercive control, manipulation, and how harmful beliefs can take root in young people.

    So yes — schools talking about healthy relationships is important.

    But how it’s delivered — and who it truly reaches — matters far more than the headline.

    What Will Schools Be Teaching?

    According to the announcement, lessons will focus on things like:

    • respect and consent
    • recognising unhealthy or controlling behaviour
    • online influences and misogyny
    • boundaries in friendships and relationships

    Teachers will receive additional training to help spot early warning signs and challenge harmful narratives.

    In theory, this is a step forward.

    But many parents are already asking:
    What about the children who struggle with social understanding, emotional regulation, or interpreting relationships in the first place?

    Where SEND Families Feel Left Out

    For families of autistic, ADHD or otherwise neurodivergent children, this conversation isn’t new — it’s overdue.

    Many SEND children:

    • struggle to interpret social cues
    • take things literally
    • are more vulnerable to manipulation or coercion
    • have difficulty with boundaries (their own and others’)
    • mask at school but unravel emotionally at home

    Yet parents often report that schools:

    • minimise concerns
    • say children are “fine in school”
    • focus on academic progress rather than emotional safety
    • lack tailored approaches for neurodivergent learners

    A one-size-fits-all lesson on relationships may not reach the children who need it most unless it’s adapted, inclusive, and trauma-informed.

    Teaching Isn’t the Same as Understanding

    There’s also a deeper issue here.

    Children don’t learn about relationships just through lessons — they learn through:

    • how adults respond to distress
    • how conflict is handled in school
    • how bullying is addressed (or ignored)
    • whether children feel safe to speak up

    If a child is punished for emotional overwhelm, ignored when they disclose concerns, or blamed for behaviour rooted in unmet needs, then a weekly lesson on “respect” won’t undo that.

    Healthy relationships aren’t taught only through content.
    They’re taught through culture.

    What Parents Are Already Seeing

    Many parents tell us they’re seeing:

    • controlling or misogynistic language picked up online
    • confusion around consent and boundaries
    • extreme reactions to rejection or disagreement
    • emotional volatility linked to social stress
    • children struggling to understand healthy vs unhealthy dynamics

    And often, parents feel they’re raising these concerns alone — with schools slow to act unless behaviour becomes extreme.

    So Will This Make a Difference?

    It could — if it’s done properly.

    That means:

    • adapting lessons for neurodivergent children
    • focusing on emotional literacy, not just rules
    • involving parents as partners, not problems
    • recognising early distress, not just visible misconduct
    • addressing online influence honestly

    Without that, there’s a real risk this becomes another well-intentioned policy that looks good on paper but misses the children most at risk.

    We Want to Hear From You

    This is where parents’ voices matter.

    💬 How has your child learned about relationships, boundaries or respect at school?
    💬 Have you seen worrying behaviour — or positive change — in your child or their peers?
    💬 Do you think schools are equipped to teach this in a way that truly helps all children?

    Your lived experience tells a story headlines never can.

    Final Thought

    Teaching healthy relationships is important.
    But understanding children — especially neurodivergent ones — is essential.

    If we want real change, we need more than lessons.
    We need listening, inclusion, and support that meets children where they are.

    Because healthy relationships start with feeling safe, seen, and understood.

  • Why Does Your Teenager Treat You Like Crap? (And What Actually Helps)

    At some point, almost every parent thinks it:

    “Why is my teenager so rude?”
    “Why do they snap at me?”
    “Why does it feel like everything I say is wrong?”

    And the truth is uncomfortable — but freeing:

    Your teenager isn’t turning into a horrible person.
    They’re turning into an adult.

    That transition is messy, emotional, and confusing. For them. And for you.

    Teenagers are learning independence, identity, and boundaries — all while their brains are still under construction. The part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control and perspective-taking isn’t fully developed yet. So what comes out can feel sharp, dismissive, or downright cruel.

    It often isn’t personal — even when it feels very personal.

    Here are three things that genuinely help, even though they’re hard to do in the moment.

    1. Get Really Good at Silent Listening

    This one goes against every parental instinct.

    When your teenager talks, your brain immediately wants to:

    • fix it
    • advise
    • warn them
    • correct them
    • prepare a lecture for later

    But here’s the truth:

    If your teenager thinks you’re listening in order to respond, they’ll stop talking.

    What they need instead is:

    • to feel heard
    • to feel understood
    • to feel safe

    Silent listening doesn’t mean agreeing.
    It means listening to understand, not to gather information you’ll use later.

    Try phrases like:

    • “That sounds really hard.”
    • “I get why that upset you.”
    • “I can see why you’re angry.”

    And then stop.

    The better you get at staying calm and non-reactive, the more they will tell you. And that’s everything. Because once communication shuts down, parents are left guessing — and guessing leads to panic, control, and conflict.

    Also — most teenagers already know what the advice is. They don’t need it unless they ask.

    2. Negotiate Everything (Yes, Really)

    A lot of parents worry that negotiating means “giving in” or “losing authority”.

    It doesn’t.

    Negotiation teaches:

    • autonomy
    • respect
    • problem-solving
    • accountability

    Instead of:

    “Put your dishes in the dishwasher.”

    Try:

    “Can you put your dishes in the dishwasher?”

    Or:

    “What do you need from me right now?”
    “How can we make this work for both of us?”

    Teenagers are practising adulthood.
    Negotiation gives them a safe place to do that without power struggles.

    You’re not removing boundaries — you’re changing how they’re enforced.

    And when teenagers feel respected, they’re far more likely to cooperate.

    3. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

    This one is about energy — and where you spend it.

    Teenagers need space to make small mistakes:

    • forgetting homework
    • wearing something questionable
    • getting something wrong socially
    • misjudging a situation

    That’s how learning happens.

    We all made mistakes at that age.
    And let’s be honest — most of us did things our parents still don’t know about.

    Save your emotional energy for the big stuff:

    • safety
    • mental health
    • substance use
    • online risks
    • serious changes in behaviour

    Because when the big stuff comes — and it usually does — you’ll need calm, trust, and connection to deal with it properly.

    If you burn all your energy on the small stuff, there’s nothing left when it really matters.

    A Final Word for Tired Parents

    Teenagers don’t need perfect parents.
    They need regulated ones.

    They need adults who can stay calm while they’re dysregulated.
    They need relationships that feel safe, not transactional.
    They need to know that even when they push you away, you’re still there.

    If your teenager treats you badly sometimes, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed.
    It usually means they’re growing — loudly, awkwardly, and imperfectly.

    And yes, it’s exhausting.

    But connection now is what protects them later.

  • PDA Signs in the Classroom: What Schools Often Miss

    Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is one of the most misunderstood autism profiles in schools.
    Children with PDA are often bright, verbal, creative and capable — which is exactly why their needs are so frequently misinterpreted as behavioural, defiant or deliberate.

    In reality, PDA is driven by anxiety and a need to feel in control.
    Demands — even gentle or indirect ones — can trigger a fight-or-flight response.

    This post explains the common signs of PDA in the classroom, why they’re often misunderstood, and what they actually mean.

    Why PDA Is Missed in Schools

    PDA children often:

    • appear confident one moment and distressed the next
    • comply one day and refuse the next
    • engage deeply when they feel safe
    • shut down when expectations feel overwhelming

    Because traditional school systems rely heavily on rules, compliance and adult-led instruction, PDA children are often labelled as:

    • oppositional
    • manipulative
    • attention-seeking
    • choosing not to work

    But PDA is not a behaviour problem.
    It’s a nervous system response to perceived loss of autonomy.

    Common PDA Signs in the Classroom

    1. Extreme Resistance to Ordinary Demands

    This includes:

    • refusing to start work
    • arguing about instructions
    • saying “no” to simple requests
    • appearing distressed by routine tasks

    The key difference with PDA is that the resistance is anxiety-driven, not wilful.

    2. Sudden Mood Shifts

    A child may:

    • appear calm and engaged
    • then quickly become angry, upset or withdrawn
    • switch from confident to overwhelmed without warning

    This often happens when an expectation increases or control is taken away.

    3. Avoidance Through Distraction or Delay

    Instead of outright refusal, a PDA child may:

    • joke
    • ask unrelated questions
    • change the subject
    • wander around
    • engage peers in conversation

    This is not mischief — it’s avoidance to reduce anxiety.

    4. Strong Reaction to Authority

    Children with PDA may:

    • challenge teachers
    • struggle with hierarchical structures
    • react badly to being told what to do
    • appear more regulated with peers than adults

    This can be misread as disrespect, when it’s actually fear of control.

    5. Inconsistent Performance

    A PDA child may:

    • produce excellent work one day
    • refuse entirely the next
    • show high ability but low output
    • be described as “able but unwilling”

    This inconsistency is a huge PDA indicator and often leads to unfair punishment.

    6. Difficulty With Transitions

    Transitions such as:

    • lining up
    • changing activities
    • moving classrooms
    • timetable changes

    can trigger panic or shutdown, especially when they’re sudden or adult-led.

    7. Emotional Meltdowns or Shutdowns

    Meltdowns may be:

    • explosive
    • tearful
    • silent
    • withdrawn
    • masked until home

    These are not tantrums.
    They’re signs the child’s nervous system is overwhelmed.

    8. Strong Need for Control

    This may look like:

    • insisting on doing things “their way”
    • refusing help
    • negotiating everything
    • becoming distressed if plans change

    Control is how PDA children feel safe.

    9. Masking in School, Exploding at Home

    Many PDA children:

    • hold it together all day
    • appear “fine” to staff
    • then completely unravel at home

    This often leads schools to dismiss parent concerns — wrongly.

    What PDA Is NOT

    PDA is not:

    • poor parenting
    • lack of boundaries
    • attention-seeking
    • naughtiness
    • manipulation

    It is a profile of autism recognised in clinical practice and supported by lived experience and research.

    Why Traditional School Approaches Make PDA Worse

    Strategies that often increase distress include:

    • sanctions
    • detentions
    • reward charts
    • public praise
    • forced compliance
    • rigid routines

    These approaches remove autonomy and escalate anxiety.

    What Actually Helps PDA Children in School

    Effective approaches include:

    • reducing direct demands
    • offering genuine choices
    • using collaborative language
    • flexible timetables
    • trusted adults
    • safe exit strategies
    • prioritising relationship over compliance

    Support must be low-demand and trust-based.

    PDA and EHCPs

    A PDA profile absolutely supports the need for:

    • SEN Support
    • reasonable adjustments
    • EHCP assessment

    Especially where:

    • attendance is affected
    • anxiety is high
    • behaviour is being misinterpreted
    • exclusions or suspensions are occurring

    Intelligence does not cancel out need.

    Final Thought

    If a child is constantly described as:

    “Bright but difficult”
    “Capable but refusing”
    “Knows the work but won’t do it”

    PDA should be considered.

    Understanding PDA doesn’t excuse behaviour —
    it explains it.

    And once schools understand why a child is struggling, they can finally stop punishing distress and start supporting it.

  • Tips for Parents of Explosive or Violent Children

    If you’re reading this and thinking,
    “I feel scared of my own child,”
    “I’m hiding bruises,”
    “I never thought parenting would feel like this,”

    please know this first:

    You are not alone.
    You are not a bad parent.
    And this is not because you’ve “done something wrong.”

    Many parents of neurodivergent children — particularly those with autism, ADHD, PDA, trauma, or high anxiety — experience explosive or violent behaviour at home that others never see.

    This blog is here to explain why this happens and what actually helps.

    Why Some Children Are Explosive or Violent at Home

    For many children, especially those with PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) or high anxiety profiles, aggression is not deliberate.

    It is a nervous system response.

    What’s happening in their body:

    • Their brain is constantly scanning for threat (this is called neuroception)
    • Demands, rules, transitions, loss of control or embarrassment trigger a fear response
    • When they can’t escape the threat, their body goes into fight / flight / freeze
    • At school they may freeze or mask
    • At home — where they feel safest — the pressure releases as rage or aggression

    This is why so many parents say:

    “They’re fine at school… but explosive at home.”

    Home is where the mask comes off.

    Important Truth: This Is Not ‘Bad Behaviour’

    Violence during meltdowns is not the same as:

    • intentional harm
    • lack of empathy
    • entitlement
    • being “spoilt”

    During a meltdown:

    • reasoning does not work
    • consequences do not work
    • punishment makes it worse

    The child’s brain is offline. This is survival mode.

    What Doesn’t Help (Even Though You’re Often Told It Will)

    Many parents are advised to:

    • remove devices
    • take phones or consoles
    • impose stricter rules
    • escalate consequences
    • “show them who’s in charge”

    For neurodivergent children, especially PDA profiles, this often increases aggression because it:

    • removes autonomy
    • increases perceived threat
    • confirms to their nervous system that they are not safe

    If removing things makes your child worse — that’s information, not failure.

    What Does Help Parents of Explosive Children

    1. Regulate Yourself First (Even When It Feels Impossible)

    Children borrow regulation from adults.
    When you are calm (even quietly leaving the room), their nervous system has a chance to settle.

    This does not mean you accept violence.
    It means you don’t escalate it.

    If needed:

    • step outside
    • sit in the car
    • create distance while staying safe

    Safety comes first — for everyone.

    2. Reduce Demands During High-Stress Periods

    This might feel uncomfortable, but it’s powerful.

    Examples:

    • delaying non-urgent tasks
    • letting some rules slide temporarily
    • choosing your battles

    This is not “giving in” — it’s lowering nervous system load.

    Once regulation improves, capacity returns.

    3. Separate the Child From the Behaviour

    You can say:

    “I love you. I can’t let you hurt me.”

    Not:

    “You’re being awful / violent / unacceptable.”

    Shame fuels more aggression.

    4. Focus on Safety, Not Control

    Your goal in explosive moments is:

    • keep people safe
    • reduce stimulation
    • shorten the meltdown

    Not to:

    • teach a lesson
    • correct behaviour
    • explain consequences

    Those come later, when the child is calm.

    5. Aftercare Matters More Than Consequences

    Once calm:

    • reconnect
    • reassure
    • reduce pressure
    • allow recovery time

    Many families find:

    • rest days
    • pyjama days
    • reduced expectations

    help reset the system.

    When to Ask for Support

    You should seek additional support if:

    • violence is frequent
    • siblings are frightened
    • you feel unsafe
    • you are burning out

    Support might include:

    • EHCP application
    • Section 19 alternative provision
    • mental health services
    • NVR (Non-Violent Resistance) parenting courses
    • social care support (supportive, not punitive)

    You deserve help too.

    A Final Word to Parents

    If you are:

    • scared
    • exhausted
    • grieving the parenting experience you expected

    that does not make you weak.

    It makes you human.

    Explosive behaviour is a sign of a child who is overwhelmed — and a parent who has been carrying too much, for too long, often without support.

    You are not failing your child.
    The system is failing families like yours.

    And you are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.

  • I Feel Like I’m Being Abused by My Own Child” — When Parenting Becomes Scary

    This is one of the hardest sentences a parent can say out loud.

    And yet, thousands of parents quietly feel it every day.

    Being sworn at.
    Objects thrown.
    Being hit, kicked, scratched, or intimidated.
    Walking on eggshells in your own home.
    Hiding bruises.
    Being afraid of triggering the next explosion.

    If this is you, let’s say this clearly first:

    You are not weak.
    You are not a bad parent.
    And you are not alone.

    Why This Can Happen — Especially in PDA, Autism & AuDHD

    For many families, this pattern shows up in children with:

    • PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance profile)
    • Autism
    • ADHD or AuDHD
    • Trauma histories
    • Extreme anxiety / nervous system dysregulation

    What looks like intentional aggression is very often something else entirely.

    **This behaviour is usually not about control.

    It’s about survival.**

    These children live in a constant state of nervous system threat.

    Every request, expectation, transition, or perceived loss of control can feel — in their body — like danger.

    Even loving, neutral interactions such as:

    • “How was your day?”
    • “Can you get dressed?”
    • “Time to turn the iPad off”

    …can trigger a fight / flight / freeze response.

    When the nervous system is overloaded, the child may:

    • lash out physically
    • say cruel or shocking things
    • destroy objects
    • try to dominate or “equalise” the situation

    Not because they want to hurt you —
    but because their body is screaming “I’m not safe.”

    Why It Often Happens at Home (and Not School)

    This is one of the most confusing parts for parents.

    At school, your child may be:

    • compliant
    • polite
    • quiet
    • well-behaved

    At home, they explode.

    This isn’t manipulation.

    It’s masking and containment.

    Your child uses every ounce of energy to hold it together in unsafe or demanding environments.
    When they get home — to the place of unconditional love — the nervous system finally collapses.

    Home becomes the place where the pressure comes out.

    That doesn’t make it acceptable.
    But it does make it understandable.

    When It Starts to Feel Like Abuse

    Parents often say:

    • “I feel scared of my own child.”
    • “I dread being alone with them.”
    • “I’m constantly criticised, sworn at, or hurt.”
    • “I don’t recognise my life anymore.”

    Feeling this does not mean you blame your child.
    It means you are overwhelmed and unsafe.

    And both things can be true at once:

    • Your child is struggling
    • You are being harmed

    Your safety matters too.

    What Doesn’t Help (Even Though You’re Often Told To Do It)

    Many parents are advised to:

    • remove phones, consoles, screens
    • impose consequences
    • “stay firm”
    • escalate punishments
    • call behaviour “unacceptable”

    For nervous-system-driven children, this often makes things worse.

    Why?

    Because punishment:

    • increases loss of control
    • increases perceived threat
    • pushes the child further into survival mode

    This can escalate violence, not reduce it.

    What Does Help (Even If It Feels Counter-Intuitive)

    This is not about “giving in”.
    It’s about bringing the nervous system back to safety.

    Some starting points:

    🔹 Reduce demands during escalation

    Safety comes before rules.

    🔹 Regulate yourself first

    A calm adult nervous system is the most powerful de-escalation tool.

    🔹 Create distance during violent episodes

    It is okay to leave the room.
    It is okay to protect yourself.

    🔹 Focus on repair, not discipline

    Connection after the storm matters more than consequences.

    🔹 Seek specialist, neuro-affirming support

    Not all professionals understand PDA or nervous-system-led behaviour.

    You Are Allowed to Ask for Help

    If violence is present, this is not something you have to manage alone.

    Support may include:

    • GP referrals
    • CAMHS (even if waiting lists are long)
    • EHCP assessments
    • Section 19 alternative provision
    • Specialist parenting support (e.g. NVR, PDA-informed approaches)

    If systems are failing you, that is not your fault.

    A Final Word — Especially for Parents Who Feel Ashamed

    You can love your child deeply
    and feel frightened.
    You can understand the nervous system
    and need protection.
    You can advocate for your child
    and need support yourself.

    Nothing about this makes you a bad parent.

    It makes you a parent in an impossible situation — doing your best in a system that doesn’t understand your child.

    If you need templates, next steps, or practical guidance, AskEllie exists to support you.

    You don’t have to carry this alone.